Lisa Lampanelli insults her way through NU
By Jeanine Budd
A sold out crowd came together in Blackman last night to watch Lisa Lampanelli insult seemingly every minority possible using every derogatory term not found in the dictionary. Anyone easily offended didn’t last long through her routine of dirty, risky insults.
Lampanelli, a former journalist who graduated from Harvard University’s graduate school, calls herself the “most intellectual person I know who says ‘cunt’ for a living.”
She said she made the switch from journalism to comedy not only for the pay raise, but because, “I get to say the ‘n’ word on stage and get paid money.”
During last night’s show, no one was spared a Lampanelli insult. Even those fleeing, or possibly just using the restroom, fell victim to Lampanelli’s comedy.
“Yeah, go to the bathroom and jack off to a picture of Lisa Lampanelli,” she said to an audience member as he tried to escape with his cell phone.
The student became the brunt of many of Lampanelli’s jokes. At one point, he had been wearing a hood, which Lampanelli didn’t like.
“Stop that,” she said. “You look like a clam.”
Lampanelli got things started by shining a light into the audience to spot where everyone who wasn’t white was sitting. She made her generous intentions known when she opened with the line: “Here I am, nominated for a Grammy and I’m playing for 800 cunts at Northeastern University.”
The line was followed by a roar of laughter.
“Do you know how much people pay for me?” she said in an interview with The News. “At least $7.50.”
In a search for all the black audience members, Lampanelli, who is well-known for her love of black men, thought she had found an ideal candidate, until she realized something was off.
“Is he a black or a ‘spic with a tan?” she asked in her thick New York accent.
The student, in fact, was Colombian, which prompted Lampanelli to say Colombians are “the saddest and laziest of all the ‘spics.”
She warned him not to “fart,” because the lucky girl sitting directly behind him would fall victim to the illegal drug trade by instantly becoming high.
After a brief search through a sea of white audience members, Lampanelli found someone else to make fun of: a black girl named Victoria who said she wanted to be a doctor. Lampanelli said she had a vision of Victoria in the future, sitting in a hospital room with an old white man on his deathbed.
“Do it, Victoria,” she said as she made a motion of pulling a life-support plug. “This is for slavery, Whitey! You’re dead!”
Lampanelli said she prides herself on her ability to pick on everyone she likes, which proves she isn’t racist, she said.
“The fact is, if I say the ‘n’ word or the ‘cunt’ word or the ‘spic or the chink or whatever, and there is good intention in my heart, people can sense it,” she said to The News.
Jumping up and down and squealing in an excited voice, Lampanelli told what she called her “first black joke of the night,” even though her previous insults could easily be counted as many more.
“OK, OK, OK. So, what do you call a black woman who’s had seven abortions?” she asked, letting the silence settle as the crowd waited for an answer. “A crime fighter.”
During a trip into the audience, she picked out a skinny white girl sitting in the front row and told her to “Eat something and swallow it!” She then pointed to another audience member who had been picked out as the night’s gay man and said, “Jeff does.”
Celebrities were also targeted by Lampanelli’s rough insults.
“I have to tell you – I’m sweating more than Michael Jackson in a Chuck E. Cheese,” she said, fanning herself with her hand.
Toward the end of the night, she discussed the many celebrity roasts she’s participated in.
While talking about Flavor Flav’s roast, she told the audience, “I’ve fucked more black guys than FEMA and I wouldn’t touch that!”
She added that Gene Simmons originally moved to the United States from Israel because he heard someone dropped a penny.
Even after complaining about having to perform at Northeastern for $5 and calling the student body “entitled little bitches,” Lampanelli complimented the audience by saying she’d like to come back.
“Northeastern University is the first on my list of unoffendable fucking colleges,” she said.
Evgeni Yuz, a freshman pharmacy major who said he had seen Lampanelli’s comedy on TV before, said he would definitely see her again.
“She doesn’t just make fun of one group. She makes fun of everyone so you can’t take offense to it,” he said.