By Ross Beroff, editorial columnist
In an unprecedented move never before seen in the world of higher education, Northeastern University will be merging with Northwestern University. We will now be known as “Northwestern University East Campus. No, the one in Boston.” Some are speculating that this merger is part of the Empower Campaign, as the combined endowments will immediately surpass the campaign’s goals.
Not many details have been released, but some facts are known, although not completely confirmed. One aspect of the deal is that Northwestern will be giving Northeastern five of its spots on the US News and World Report Best Colleges list, a bold move in light of recent accusations that we have been gaming the ranking system.
Additionally, Northwestern will now be entitled to advertise that they have the only Taco Bell in Boston. Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro will also be receiving a coupon for half-off any large burrito at Boloco, although guacamole will still cost extra.
One interesting aspect of this merger is that students will be free to take classes on either campus. A shuttle service owned by Northeastern alumni will be provided for a small fee that will be added onto everyone’s e-bill.
An anonymous source close to the administration (a work-study in the Provost’s office) has stated that one of the biggest causes of contention during planning meetings was what would be done with the sports teams as multiple players for each position will now exist. It was eventually agreed upon that the new team will be selected through a Hunger Games-style tournament, details TBD.
Reactions to the news from current Northeastern students have been mixed. Student groups such as the Progressive Student Alliance and Socialist Alternative have already jumped on the bandwagon of protesting the merger. Some members have stated, “We don’t really know any of the details or if it’s actually a bad thing, but President Aoun likes it, so we are automatically against it.”
Some students have been very supportive, such as one philosophy major who stated, “I’m excited that I can pretend to go to school in Chicago. Then maybe I can also pretend that the weather here isn’t so awful.”
The reactions from current Northwestern University students have been a bit more apathetic, with most only caring about whether or not Taco Bell will deliver. Some were also a bit confused about whether Club Snell was actually a club or a place where people went to go cry into their textbooks and contemplate why they ever decided to go to college. When told that it was the latter, some Northwestern students expressed the concern that all the buildings on their campus already served that function but were intrigued at the opportunity to have one more place to go and regret their life decisions.
There appears to be an issue over the current Northwestern mascot of a Wildcat and the Northeastern Husky not really being able to mix. To alleviate this problem, a proposal has been put on the table to create a new mascot in honor of the finest directionally named school in the country. The new mascot is still being decided, but at the top of the list are Kanye West and Clint Eastwood.
Half-assed attempts to reach the president have resulted in no comments as of time of publication.