Taps mic. Testing, testing, one, two. Clears throat. I set fire to the grass! And then I set fire to it again. And then again. And then again. And the crowd is slightly concerned. Music abruptly stops.
Albert Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Grass catches fire, puts out fire, doesn’t fix the root cause of the problem (titanium skid blocks under the cars), doesn’t create an adequate temporary solution (pouring down lots of water to keep the grass damp) and is shocked when grass catches fire again. Woman who wrote an essay about murdering husbands murders husband.
The grass at Suzuka caught fire five times over the weekend, interrupting two free practice sessions and the second part of the qualifying session. This can’t continue to happen, it’s unsafe and, quite frankly, boring!
Maybe boring is the new normal in Formula One, or F1. For the first time since the Monaco Grand Prix in 2024, I understood why people say F1 is just people driving around in circles. This race could have been a text message.
Max Verstappen won from pole position. The McLarens finished second and third after starting second and third. All the slower cars were at the bottom; all the faster cars were at the top. Only Nostradamus could have seen that coming.
Verstappen’s win means he’s been undefeated at Suzuka since 2019. Impressive — he’s got the talent and the car. Even though the Red Bull’s RB21 is a temperamental car, it’s not slow. Let’s make that distinction very quickly because when Verstappen (somewhat surprisingly) put the car on pole, journalists acted like he was driving the Visa Cash App Racing Bulls car. (That is the real team name, I promise). He’s the reigning world champion for four years in a row, so I expect him to put his temperamental car on pole once in a while. He’s not performing miracles, he’s doing his job — very well, as is his standard.
I think it’s time McLaren put “shoulda, coulda, woulda” on a t-shirt. Why? It tried to undercut Verstappen with both cars. (Undercutting is pitting your car a lap before the car ahead to have fresher tires and overtake them when they pit). Why would they pit both cars into each other’s dirty air? When the cars get too close, like Lando Norris and Oscar Piastri, the car behind (in this case, Piastri) suffers from the disturbed air coming off the car in front. So, McLaren essentially relegated its cars to second and third, with very little chance of chasing Verstappen down. Re: Einstein quote.
And then, when Piastri wanted to invert cars, believing he had the pace to catch Verstappen, papaya rules came into effect (hold station, essentially). Papaya rules are the most unserious thing to come out of F1 in the last year, other than the swearing ban and fining Carlos Sainz Jr. for being late to the national anthem due to a medical issue. The car isn’t even papaya colored!
In the week before the Grand Prix, the paddock was shaken up by the news that Yuki Tsunoda would be replacing Liam Lawson in the Red Bull and Lawson would be returning to the Racing Bulls team.
I think Tsunoda should have replaced Checo Pérez to start the season. But some people, ahem, Helmut Marko, take issue with the fact that Tsunoda is not a “typical Japanese driver.” Whatever that means. But axing Lawson from the Red Bull seat right before he has the chance to race at a circuit he’s experienced at is interesting. But what do I know? And really, do I care? Not really.
Tsunoda will finally get a chance to drive a top car, and after how he’s been overlooked, I think he’s due for good luck in this sport. I hope Red Bull retains him after this season (if he’s happy to stay), even with the incoming change in power unit supplier.
Anyway, here’s how the race unfolded for the rest of the Bulls, aside from Verstappen. Tsunoda qualified 14th in a car that Lawson qualified 20th in. Lawson qualified 13th in a car that Tsunoda was consistently putting into the top 10. Despite qualifying ahead of Tsunoda, Lawson finished five places behind him. Isack Hadjar finished ahead of both of them and was the only driver out of the three to score points, #noticing.
Hadjar points!! Woooohooo! I found out he’s Algerian. I’m Nigerian, so we’re basically cousins.
Sainz Jr. really struggled this weekend. His days of smooth operating in F1 are fading away. All that’s left are the rough rides more readily associated with his father’s rally career. His poor performance was emphasized by how well his teammate, Alex Albon, performed. Albon scored 12 points in the 2024 season and has 18 after just three races this year.
My highlight of the race was listening to Jacques Villeneuve being an absolute diva on Sky Sports F1. I need him every week. He doesn’t have the British politeness of the rest of the crew. He says what he wants with a French-Canadian “Je ne sais quoi.” He is analytical and opinionated. I understand how people might not have enjoyed his commentary because they’re not used to having people truly say what they mean on television.
To be fair, I’m not surprised that he was so carefree with his speech. He operates on vibes; I mean the guy got married at the F1 chapel at the first Las Vegas Grand Prix. He’s also one of the nepo-baby champions in F1. Villeneuve’s father was legendary driver Gilles Villeneuve who the Canadian Grand Prix circuit is named after.
I have only two things to say about the Scuderia, no horseplay this time. One, Charles Leclerc is now Ferrari’s leading point scorer. Hold your breath for something to go wrong. And two, I’d rather cry in a Ferrari than in a Mercedes.
Speaking of Mercedes, Toto Wolff, are you banned from Japan? Are you hiding something? This is the second time in three years the Mercedes team boss has missed the Japanese Grand Prix. Wolff, if you’re reading this, you didn’t miss much, mate. Your drivers finished where they started, and your former driver finished right behind them.
Whoever is writing the script for this season, please, go outside, feel the breeze, eat a delicious meal and take a nap. You’re not at your best, and we need you to come back stronger because whatever the narrative was for this race, must not repeat itself.
