Hockey, perhaps more than any other major sport, has an unbelievably intricate and learned catalogue of insider terminology.
When I came to Northeastern as a freshman, I thought I knew hockey. This self-assurance was based on countless games of NHL ‘09 played in my friend’s basement in high school and the two to three words I’d heard broadcasters squeak out as I flipped past hockey games on television.
I knew how to dangle, at least virtually, and had finished off a couple hat tricks with top shelf goals set up by great puck movement and a well-placed skater ready for a one-timer.
While this may sound like Spanish to some of you, in Boston, labeling this “hockey-talk” would be on par with equating a third-grader’s potty mouth to the swear-slinging speak of a salty-bearded sailor.
At my first game at Matthews Arena, I became keenly aware of how much I’d miscalculated the extent of my hockey knowledge.
“Did you see that bottle knocker to tie the game?”
“Look at that grocery stick warming the bench!”
Suffice it to say I had no idea what they were talking about. I took it upon myself to learn the ways of these sweater-sporting fans (those in jerseys) with the hopes of eventually gaining acceptance and becoming one in my own right. Here are some detailed notes from my study of their culture:
Sieve – You will (hopefully) hear this chanted often at Matthews this season at the opposition. A sieve is a goalie that makes a better tunnel than a door: He lets a lot of goals in.
Bottle knocker – This one almost sounds dirty. A bottle knocker is when a shot is so perfectly placed it not only gets past the goalie, but also manages to hit the water bottle the goalie keeps on top of the net up in the air. If a regular goal is a period, a bottle knocker is an exclamation point.
Hoser – It sounds like loser. It means the same thing. The term actually dates back to before Zambonis, when the team that lost had to hose off the ice following the game.
Snow shower – This is the kind of inclement weather a player can create with his skates. Ever see a player dart up ice only to quickly veer and stop? The ensuing cascade of ice is a snow shower.
Sin bin – Like a confession booth, this is where any puck-fearing skater finds himself atoning for his sins. The difference? It isn’t just you and the Holy Father under the protection of anonymity. Guys in the sin bin are ostracized for their penalties on national television and have to sit in the penalty box and watch their teammates struggle.
Biscuit – You do not want this anywhere near your mouth. Putting it in the basket, puts your team on the board. If you look down the lineup of any pro team, you’ll undoubtedly see a few guys that have had the biscuit take a bite out of their smiles. Don’t let the puck make all the money your parents spent on orthodontics and the painfully humiliating period of prepubescent braces be in vain.
Grocery Stick – This one is being mentioned again because it is my favorite. The grocery stick serves the same purpose as the nondescript black bar in the supermarket checkout that divides your intended purchases from the people after you in line. Only instead of your cold cuts and that old man’s liverwurst, the grocery stick is a player that never sees ice time and separates a team’s forwards and defensemen.
Shorty – Not a bodacious woman in a rap music video, but rather a bodacious goal scored in spite of playing short-handed because some hoser on their team wound up in the sin bin.
Breezers – Might be the most un-hockey-like sounding thing on the list. It sounds like something middle aged women drink on the patio of a country club while recapping the latest cuts made on Dancing with the Stars. They are in fact . . . hockey pants. Don’t ask me why, I’ve never worn a pair.
Now you’re equipped to join the Dog House and pass as a true fan. Just don’t mince words with some cement head (hockey goon) in the stands and wind up dropping gloves (fighting).
– Dylan Lewis can be reached at [email protected]
