I don’t know about you, but the presidential debates really get my mental juices flowing. To see two candidates battle it out on network television for the right to lead our proud nation stimulates in the most fascinating of ways. Nevermind the fact that the electoral college has rendered our insight useless; the last time we had an election the person with the most votes was left teaching journalism courses at Columbia University as a consolation prize. Nevertheless, you cannot neglect the entertainment value behind these things. Sometimes I wonder how these debates would fare if someone switched up the topics …

(Fast forward to a place, far, far away … )

Moderator: Good evening citizens of America. My name is Evans Erilus, and I will be your moderator for this presidential debate. Each candidate will have two minutes to respond to the questions I have chosen. By virtue of a coin toss, President Bush, you have won the flip, and have the right of first refusal.

Bush: I choose to defend my decision, as do they. It is only right that as president I decide to refuse, as if I don’t, they may.

Moderator: What is that supposed to mean?

Bush: Kerry has first dibs.

Moderator: Okay then. Sen. Kerry, much has been said about the president’s stand on the war on terror. What would you do to stop the ongoing war between owners and players in the NHL?

Kerry: What the two sides need to do is communicate. It is obvious the owners will require a salary cap, and I don’t see what the problem is. Yes, it puts a limit as to how much a team can spend on players, but it also preserves the longevity of the game. Besides, if the league adopted a soft cap like the NBA, it would still give the athletes the leverage necessary to score blockbuster contracts. Hockey is probably the fifth most popular sport in this nation; if it is locked out for an extended period, the fans will never come back, and that’s a guarantee.

Moderator: President Bush, your response.

Bush: What does my opponent know about owner-player relationships? I was part owner and general manager of the Texas Rangers (1989-94), and during my time there, we never finished higher than second place. The one year we were in first place, we were 10 games under .500. We signed players to huge contracts; ask Nolan Ryan and Ruben Sierra. So you see, you can pay the players and achieve success. Just look at me … I bought a stake in the team for $600,000, and then sold it for $14 million. Who says both sides can’t prosper in America?

Moderator: What that has to do with anything, I know not. However … President Bush, would our country be a better international ambassador for athletics with Kerry in office?

Bush: I cannot answer that question, Evans, because that’s not going to happen. This man is not fit to be in a position to make such decisions, because he flip-flops. He waffles. First, he says our government needs to get our priorities in order in regard to our foreign affairs, and then he says we need to do something to quell Major League Baseball of steroids. I’ve said from day one that I want the drugs out of the game, and stood firm by that. Some may say I’ve put the well-being of our troops at risk with archaic intelligence, but I can promise you this … I will rid baseball of steroids.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry?

Kerry: We definitely need to reassess our position as international ambassadors if we cannot justify our actions in the sports arena. We have athletes who come from poverty and find success in our country, distressed over ransom demands for the life of their mothers. Ugueth Urbina, my heart goes out to you and your family. We have others who are told they are allowed to express themselves, but then quit the team they represent, as the religious persecution of the administration would not allow for a peaceful coexistence. Andrea Armstrong, may you find great fulfillment in your new faith. Mind you, we haven’t begun to mention the Kelli Whites, Katie Hnidas and Jamal Lewises of this country. We have a serious problem on our hands.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, you have said on numerous occasions that the president has misled the public in regards to the chances of the Red Sox winning the World Series this season. Can you name specific examples?

Kerry: Wow … where do I begin? First, he has his buddies Giuliani and Schwarzenegger in New York and California, respectively. So, we all can guess where his baseball allegiances lie. He’s been seen at Rangers games, but I’ve never seen the president at Fenway Park. He throws out first pitches in New York, but none in Boston. Finally, and most importantly, the team is a bunch of hairy, spitting, fun-loving guys who lay it out on the line every night. Our president would rather see decorum than results out on the baseball diamond.

Moderator: President Bush?

Bush: That is absurd. The track record proves what we already know, and knowing that, it is important that we prove it until we get it right. The Yankees have won the division title seven straight years, and have been in six World Series since 1996. Now I may not believe in quotas, but I do believe in curses. We have a better chance of ending the recession than the Sox do of winning the series.

Moderator: Mr. President, you are making no friends in Boston. It is now time for our final question. Mr. Bush …

Bush: That’s President Bush, Evans. President.

Moderator: President Bush, how would you stimulate student interest in athletics at Northeastern University?

Bush: I sympathize with the Northeastern population. It is (sigh) difficult to move forward when a perpetual state of stagnation seems to stand in the path of prosperity. Evans, let the masses turn to faith; that will provide all the answers that we need.

Moderator: Sen. Kerry, your response.

Kerry: The solution to the problem is a complex one. Northeastern’s greatest gift, the cooperative education program, is also its biggest curse. Many students become so enraptured with establishing and defining their career objectives, that supporting on-campus athletics becomes a secondary concern. Yes, a new stadium may help, but for how long? Three things bring people out to games: Success, facilities and publicity. The university has the first one, and is working on the second one. Only time will tell how the school’s sports marketing department is able to use co-op in conjunction with that third major issue.

Moderator: President Bush, you have 30 seconds to respond.

Bush: (staring at the screen, eyes blinking for 10 seconds) Umm … well … yes. I see that, but … ah … my opponent flip-flops. He waffles. First, he says that our government needs to get our priorities in order in regard to our foreign affairs, and then he says we need to do something to quell Major League Baseball of steroids.

Moderator: President Bush, didn’t you say that earlier?

Bush: You media are all the same, misconstruing my messages. Just remember, God loves you and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear.

Moderator: And that concludes our debate.

–Evans Erilus can be heard every Friday from 3 to 6 p.m. on 104.9 WRBB. He can be reached at [email protected].