By Steve Sears

I may have to split with ESPN.

I found myself watching pro bowling a few Sundays ago. I’ll watch anything they put on, because it is ESPN, and it must be a sport worth my time. Sure, you can eat pizza, smoke a Camel and drink a gallon of beer while bowling, but that does not mean it is not a sport. Bobbie Ray Williams IV had a purple bowling ball with an image of Moses knocking down pins like the Red Sea, and his goatee looked especially menacing that day. He may have had a few too many beers between breaks, but that does not disqualify his performance as a sport. I mean, you have seen Mark Blount play basketball, right?

I watched this event for a good hour before I finally came to my senses and started playing Madden 2005. However, it had me reevaluating my relationship with those Bristol guys and gals.

Frankly, the spark and electricity is gone between us. Take the Patriots for example. Not everyone has to pick the Pats to win all the time, but the entire network was ready to advance Peyton Manning and the Colts to the AFC title game. We know how that turned out. I take specific exception with the NFL pre-game show. I won’t even talk about Michael Irvin because I’m not sure he’s speaking English yet. I will take issue with Tom Jackson, who, if the Pats were playing the Northeastern intramural badminton team, would pick the badminton guys.

I also think they make Fox look tame in the self-promotion department. They televise poker and they have their own scripted series about it, but I do not need a ticker at the bottom of the screen to tell me when it is coming on. ESPN.com even tried to convince me that poker is a sport. Guys sitting at a table making money is a sport. Soon, they may televise the Hancock Tower cubicles.

Any die-hard ESPN fan can remember the “Dark Ages.” And I do not mean the days when Bob Ley would sit in front of your grandmother’s wallpaper to debate the merits of the designated hitter. I mean those endless weeks where I saw a promotion for “3” (the Dale Earnhardt movie) every, well, three seconds. One more “I just wanna race, daddy” and I was ready to change the channel to “7th Heaven.”

The network also has a tendency toward hyperbole. First, the Patriots are the worst 14-2 team of all time, then they are the greatest team of all time. LeBron James has a triple-double against the Warriors and he is better than Michael Jordan. Whatever you say, displaced-former-athlete-turned-analyst wearing a suit that could pay for my tuition at Northeastern for the next 10 years. That Stephen A. Smith must have a point, since he seems so hip. I just want to tell him that I’m a good guy and you don’t have to scream at me at seven in the morning about how Slava Medvedenko should be castrated in a public square.

I know I could never leave ESPN. Ever. I know I will not be turning to the Food Network or Lifetime anytime soon. We are stuck together. The channel just needs a tiny makeover and I just need a life.

– Steve Sears is a junior journalism major.