By Jutsin Rebello
This is why I don’t like politicians.
On Dec. 29, Mayor Thomas M. Menino decided to do away with the decades-long practice of “saving” a parking spot after a snowstorm. Residents shovel out a space and save the designated spot with a chair, trash barrel, wooden leg or any other amenity that signals to the ongoing motorist: “Park somewhere else.”
My question is: Whatever happened to “calling it?” Any dispute you had when you were a little kid could be solved simply and finally by “calling it.” It’s the distant cousin of “shotgun.”
You’re going on a road trip with your buddies. You call shotgun. One of your buddies says, “I want the front!” Too bad. Shotgun trumps everything, even if the kid has motion sickness and becomes violently ill if he’s resigned to the back.
See? That’s how a society should be run. Now Menino and his lackeys will get involved and turn a relatively simple concept into a giant, complicated pain in the ass. I’m not sure how Menino’s “Know Snow” program plans to remedy this problem. I’m guessing it involves calling months in advance to reserve a parking space, paying the appropriate cost for a spot in Boston (somewhere between “too high” and “even higher”), being prepared to lose the spot anytime Menino feels like taking it away and twice a month letting some politician into your home to repeatedly kick your dog. Well, policy’s policy.
Kids, even though they smell and aren’t terribly bright, are geniuses. When you think about it, they have discovered so many simple methods to solve annoying adult disputes.
Suppose your parents get a divorce. Your mom and dad are both nice people and make about the same wages. Who gets custody? Instead of bitter custody hearings dragging on for months, have the parents play a game of Odds and Evens or Rock, Paper, Scissors. Best two out of three wins the kid. Simple.
Let’s say you get called to serve jury duty. You’re in a room with the rest of the scum of the earth, and the judge says he needs to add one of you to a jury for an upcoming trial. You put your finger on your nose and say, “Shot not!” Well, you’re cleared. No more shouting excuses to the judge like: “I can’t because I have finals that week!” and “I’m busy everyday bathing sick children!” and “I can’t be an unbiased juror because I’m obscenely racist!” Shot not. No jury duty.
The same mentality holds true in politics. It seems as if every political administration in my lifetime has had at least one member that’s a total dumbass. He’s there for various reasons: nepotism, money and the idiocy of the South. I say when two guys are running for office, let them be the captains, and let them choose teams. This will ensure that every politician get the guys they want. As an added bonus, if junior high dodgeball were any indication, all of the fat, old, slow and stupid politicians would be taken last. Good. It takes their self-esteem down a couple of notches. That’s pretty much the Bush administration in a nutshell: A team of dodgeball rejects.
Sadly, these brilliant solutions will fall on blind eyes because politicians love to complicate matters with outlandish programs and piss on traditions. Sure, it’s a stupid tradition, but that’s what Massachusetts (and New England) is all about. Stupid traditions.
Massachusetts has a holiday (Patriots Day) in April for no reason whatsoever. “The Red Sox play before noon, umm, take the day off!”
I’m not complaining. New England quirks are what make the region what it is. Pop, water fountains and hella should not and will not replace soda, bubblers and wicked. So why is Menino trying to do away with a long-standing quirky Massachusetts tradition?
He claims the space-saving tradition leads to vandalism and even violence. Because you won’t get pissed off driving around for hours looking for a spot while some lazy bastard sits in the one you spent an hour shoveling at 6 a.m. in the freezing cold. Before I started college, my mom used to wake me up an hour early after a snowstorm to shovel her a space in the driveway. It sucked and I hated it. And if some random Joe Schmoe decided to park in the spot I busted my hump over, I might have to take a shovel to his face. So no, Menino, I don’t think it will curb violence. In fact, in a city with an idiotic subway system, roads that haven’t been paved since they switched from cobblestone and a vast majority of motorists who apparently learned how to drive from playing “Grand Theft Auto,” I think it’s high time Bostonians be thrown a bone, just to keep them on the right side of sanity.
This isn’t about just a parking space. This is about the children, and the child in all of us. Besides, shoveling snow sucks. Save your spot. You’ve earned it.
— Justin Rebello can be reached at [email protected].
