By Hillary McMurray

I’m not obsessed or anything, but I’ve spent the past few months comparing everything to hockey. Withdrawal symptoms springing from the NHL lockout have led me to make some absurd comparisons. Call me crazy, but I think the political process resembles an ongoing game of hockey, and Washington could benefit by taking some pointers from my beloved sport.

Hockey teams’ scout, political teams’ campaign. You have the Red team and you have the Blue team. At the center of it all is the puck — the team’s agenda. You don’t want the other team to get possession of the puck. You want to keep it and get it past the other team’s goalie. You have to keep the puck centered if you want to score. If the puck goes too far to the right, the Blue team will call time out and demand that the referees review the play a thousand times. If the puck goes too far to the left, don’t worry, because if you’re watching this game on Fox, the cameras will pan away from the puck. Then, after the commercial break you’ll see the puck sitting behind the Blue team’s goalie, but you’ll never see the play that put it there.

So how is this played out on Capitol Hill? Let’s go back a few years. Thank you, Bill Clinton, for landing yourself in the penalty box during your second period. Your unsportsman-like conduct and the subsequent rejection of your team by many fans gave the Red team the power play they needed, and they’ve had a million shots on goal since. Jerry Falwell, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh remain seated in the Red team’s Dog House chanting, “Hey, sieve, you suck!” Supreme Court nominations are the penalty shots that could cost the Blue team the game.

As the lockout has shown, sometimes the game’s all about the Benjamins. While having a large bankroll doesn’t necessarily mean victory (as the New York Rangers have proven season after season), it’s certainly helped the Red team. Financially, they’re dining on lobster while the Blue team is clipping coupons for Chicken of the Sea.

Politics and hockey are already similar, but by using hockey’s rules, standards and traditions, we could potentially shake up the political scene in America and finally make sense of it all.

Politically, we’re running a somewhat clean game, like Reggie Dunlop’s “old time hockey.” It’s pathetic, but Americans would probably be more interested in politics if the players stepped up, threw down the gloves and went for a knock-down drag-out fight that left a little blood on the ice. Not a smart idea, but it would spark interest. If the cameras caught Ted Kennedy and Tom DeLay grabbing each other’s sweaters and throwing punches, more people would tune in.

As for judicial seats, the process should be more bipartisan. Like I mentioned before, the Supreme Court nominations will probably guarantee the Red team’s lead. Although we have Senate confirmations as a check and balance, more needs to be done. After all, the team that wins the Stanley Cup doesn’t get to choose next season’s referees.

I’ll probably be beaten for saying this, but there is a problem with the election process. To make it in the NHL, you have to be the cream of the crop. You are recruited by people who can predict what an individual player will contribute to a team. Even after being scouted and drafted, most players will play with a junior team before they see NHL ice time. In politics, the people decide who will play. Once you reach legal age you can vote, but you don’t have to know squat about either candidates’ platforms. You could base your vote on candidates’ choice of pets if you choose. What if the NHL roster was picked by people who knew nothing about the sport?

A fan doesn’t want a team picked by people who don’t know the rules of the game. Example: “Well the guy wouldn’t be playing pro without his dad’s connections, and at minus seven trillion, he’s got the worst plus/minus in the history of hockey, but he seems like a good guy and he’s a dog person, so hopefully it’ll all work out when he’s on the ice.” (deficit figure from www.brillig.com). Literacy isn’t even a voting requirement — would the NHL draft a blind goalie?

So many people, commenting on how our country has become increasingly divided between Red and Blue, have half-jokingly suggested that the Blue states secede. It hasn’t happened since 1861, but I think whether or not he knows it, or even cares, President George W. Bush’s greatest challenge (besides putting a coherent sentence together) is to keep both teams’ fans united by their love of the game so the American people don’t ever have to suffer through another lockout.

– Hilary McMurray can be reached at [email protected].