By: Jared Sugerman, News Staff

Since 2006, I’ve taken lessons from a variety of sources, within and beyond the classroom walls at Northeastern. May 7, I will become an alumnus of that fine institution.

Fortunately, the combination of classical education and practical experience provided by our administration and faculty has prepared me to take advantage of my knowledge, so that I may contribute to a better society.

At Northeastern, I learned the importance of international trade. Women’s hockey players from Switzerland, such as Florence Schelling and Julia Marty, men’s hockey players from British Columbia, like Brad Thiessen and Wade MacLeod, and basketball players from around the world are particularly valuable imports.

At Northeastern, I studied geography. Chestnut Hill is not in Boston, Commonwealth Avenue is south of Hades, and Richmond, Va., site of the Colonial Athletic Association’s post-season tournament, is not far from Guam. I’ve yet to locate our new football stadium, however.

At Northeastern, I learned a new language. Allez, Baptiste Bataille.

At Northeastern, I studied American history. Although 1776 and 1865 are important for some reason, no year is more significant or memorable than 1988. The Huskies are America’s team.

At Northeastern, I studied nutrition. After a hockey or basketball game, burritos from Q’doba provide the human body with all essential nutrients.

At Northeastern, I practiced math. I’m especially good at counting backward from 19 MIN-UTES (clap clap clap-clap-clap).

At Northeastern, I learned to accept multi-racial interaction. White, green and red-and-black men should not be judged by the color of their skin (or leotards), but by the content of their character.

At Northeastern, I learned the importance of teamwork. Though its spelling is dubious, a man-advantage seems impotent without it. Sex education is also an important aspect of our curriculum, and might be another pre-requisite to power-play success.

At Northeastern, I learned to be resourceful. For instance, the sieve can be a multi-purpose tool, and Boston’s sidewalks could be built with missed foul shots.

At Northeastern, I learned that Huskies do not have green thumbs. Work in the Garden is generally best left to Eagles and Terriers.

At Northeastern, I familiarized myself with a few fashion faux pas. For instance, it is best not to dress like a candy cane on ice, and super seniors from New Hampshire should not wear hockey jerseys. Dressing like a messianic carpenter or hot dog is also inadvisable.

At Northeastern, I learned to appreciate women, especially those with T-shirt launchers and free schwag.

At Northeastern, I learned the value of well-taken direction. When told to GET OFF THE ICE, the instructed party should acquiesce immediately, lest he be met with derision and harsh punishment.

Whether or not my experience has been consummate with the cost of tuition, at least I learned a few things while I was here.

Most importantly, I learned that happiness is next to hopelessness. Deny frustration, ignore disappointment, and dismiss the naysayers; our sub-par history is irrelevant. Embrace the opportunities that we have now, and root heartily for the Huskies.

Without sports, my education would be incomplete.

– Jared Sugerman can be reached at [email protected].