As a long-time denizen of Northeastern and a regular writer for The Huntington News, I feel like I’m in a special position to give advice to new freshmen.
First, if you brought a car to campus, that’s a good move. A car is surprisingly useful in the city proper. The next step is to take that car down to the North End, go down the wharf, put a brick on the accelerator, and sink it into the water. Boston appreciates your efforts in creating the Atlantic’s largest artificial coral reef.
Second, get your pronunciations right. Massachusetts has its fair share of stupid names, and hiding behind your fake adopted Boston accent won’t save you if you don’t know the language. Worcester is not “war-chest-er,” it’s “woos-ter;” Aoun is “ay-oon,” not “ow-un;” Quincy is “Kwin-zee,” not “Kwinsee.”
Third, the RAs know that you’re drinking. You can try to be clever and cover it up, and try to hide 20 people in the bathroom and throw the beer ball out the window, but it won’t work. Ask my freshman year roommate; he can speak from experience.
Fourth, and related to the third tip, the RAs are not out to get you. The RAs are overworked upperclassmen who want absolutely nothing more than to do rounds at night and go to bed. You and your 15 friends crammed into a dorm room the size of a handicapped bathroom stall blasting music while playing beer pong and screaming “CHUG CHUG CHUG” are keeping them from sleep. They are not staking out your room trying to catch you with anything. If you’re not an idiot, don’t blast music and don’t smoke in your room, you can go an entire year without seeing your RA at all. It’s not hard. Don’t be stupid.
In fact, that deserves its whole own point. Fifth, don’t be stupid. You would think that would be easy for college-age people, but some people regress to the mental state of a seven year old as soon as their parents leave.
Sixth, this isn’t your middle-of-nowhere hometown. People will essentially attempt to rob you blind given the opportunity. That’s not a knock at Northeastern or even Boston. This advice would carry for any city with more than three people and a goat. Don’t leave your door open, don’t let people borrow your fancy phone, and don’t walk through the Fens at night alone wearing a diamond necklace, blasting the latest Miley through your earphones while texting on your iPhone.
Seventh, swim down to where your car is now accumulating sea flora and get the bike out of the trunk. Get a helmet – I know you look dorky with it, but you’ll need it – and get a U-lock for the bicycle.
Finally, don’t forget that there’s actually a college component to college. In between your alcohol-induced blackouts and series of continually poor decisions, try to learn something.
So there you have it – eight tips I guarantee you won’t follow but probably should. Enjoy making the same dumb mistakes we all did, and remember: If you’re allergic to nuts, don’t drink amaretto.

– Michael Denham can be reached at [email protected]