If you watch classic films such as “Singing in the Rain” (1952), “Footloose” (obviously the one with Kevin Bacon) and the legendary “Dirty Dancing” (1987), you can’t help but sigh. A sigh that is one part bliss at the thought of Swayze lifting you high in the air and one part sorrow once you realize that dance is dead.

Now when I say dance, I don’t mean ballet, jazz, etc.; I mean it in the sense of when you go out to par-tay and shake yo thang. I was struck with this wretched epiphany of the deceased dance when I went dancing this weekend and I took a look around. It was absolutely atrocious. It looked like a can of worms, everyone just writhing around, touching anyone in sight. This, ladies and gentlemen, is called grinding.

I condemn the fool who decided to take dry-humping out of the bedroom and to the dance floor, as it became an unstoppable airborne disease that now takes place within our clubs, house parties and dorms. It is literally the ultimate pass for young teenage boys who are filled with raging hormones to grope on girls.

I had never even thought about grinding before I came to America and was horrified, yet slightly intrigued, by the thought of it. The thought of a boy picking me to “grind” with was an ego boost (I say this with my head held in my hands because I truly am embarrassed about my former lack of self-esteem). At first, I didn’t understand what I had to do; I stood there in the middle of the dance floor like a dorky middle schooler at a dance, unaware of how to trap these boys. But now, I’ve learned to     master the art. All you have to do is slowly sway your hips side to side, play with your hair a bit and coyly look at the target of your choice. No more than two seconds later, he will be rushing to your backside, clutching your hips and doing his own little jig.

It doesn’t sound all that bad, but trust me, it is. Watching a girl mouth to her friends, “Is he hot?” and waiting for the thumbs up or down while he obliviously continues to grind into her is … pitiful. What happened to asking a girl to dance, instead of creeping up behind her? Ladies, don’t just let him; have a good look at him before he gropes you. Let us raise the standard. Women didn’t fight for our freedom just so you could shake what your mama gave you on some unattractive and impolite guy. Men should also be wary; don’t let some girl throw herself onto you just so you can get ‘the D’ taken care of.

Now, I’m not all that opposed to grinding. I understand it’s thrilling and creates some serious sexual tension, but nowadays it’s not even done correctly. Grinding originally started as a highly erotic mimic of sex to a song similar to Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On.’ Instead, nowadays it’s some guy clutching onto the hips of the girl, practically for his life, with his eyes wide in a mix of fear and exhilaration; the poor boy starts to move rapidly side to side to a song with a fast beat and lame lyrics. And the girl is the complete opposite, she starts swaying her hips around dramatically, channeling her inner Beyoncé when instead she better resembles the Tasmanian Devil. Then comes the awkward slimy kiss everyone gets to witness when the girl turns her head to the side. You all know what I’m talking about.

The saddest fact of all this is that grinding is all people do now. Every party or club I’ve been to just has people all over the place awkwardly grinding. Nobody knows how to dance properly since they delved in too deep to the world of thrusting. But have no fear, for I spot from afar, beyond the midst of all this, a glimmer of hope. The grinding has now developed ‘moves’ and styles, such as the Jersey Turnpike. For those who don’t know, it’s where the girl bends over facing the floor before she spreads her legs and ‘booty-pops’ on a guy, while he just stands there.

As the world of dance deteriorated, like the phoenix when it burns, beneath the ashes is a whole new life. We can regrow and rebuild since there is nowhere to go but up and who knows, maybe one day it will be hip to do the Charleston to a David Guetta song. 

– Sara Al Mehairi can be reached at [email protected]