March Madness is undoubtedly the greatest postseason event in sports – a field of 64 schools battling it out for collegiate glory, each team just six wins away from the championship.
In the spirit of the strange nature of the event, I offer an alternative competition. If the mascot from each team had to fight their opponent to advance to the next round, who would emerge the NCAA’s champion?
The competitive field has seven birds, four domesticated dogs, three tigers, two Irishmen and a Billiken.
First Round Highlights:
#8 Colorado State University Ram vs. #9 University of Missouri Tiger – The Colorado St. rendering of a ram looks more like a Rorschach inkblot than an intimidating animal, while the Mizzou Tiger is a fierce beast not to be messed with, some might even call him Richard Parker-esque. The Tigers freely roam the court and take the lifeboat to the second round.
#3 Michigan State University Spartan vs. # 14 Valparaiso University Crusader – MATCH UP OF THE CENTURY. Spartans versus Crusaders? That is the kind of face off summer blockbusters are based on. The Spartans prevail victorious, but enter the second round nursing severe wounds.
#2 Duke University Blue Devil vs. #15 University at Albany Great Dane – Dogs are scared of vacuum cleaners, imagine how the Great Dane will react to the Blue Devil’s fiery pitchfork. The Great Dane runs away from this one with his tail between his legs.
#4 St. Louis University Billiken vs. New Mexico State University Aggie – The Billiken is essentially a mischievous looking Buddha. The mascot is a symbol of good luck and the way things “ought to be,” whatever that means. I’m going to give this one to the mystical Billiken, as I’d like as much luck on my side as possible with the real games starting at the end of this week. Plus, how dangerous can a farmer really be?
#7 University of Illinois Fighting Illini vs. #10 University of Colorado Buffaloes – In a matchup only seen on the pre-manifest destiny plains of early America, the Chief and his fighting Illini face off against their long-time prey, the Buffalo. The Illini prevail, and use every piece of the Buffaloes as sustenance for their next round matchup against the Miami Hurricanes.
#7 San Diego State University Aztec vs. Oklahoma State University Sooner – As is their wont to do, the Sooners sneak into the arena the night before the match up to get a sense of the ring and pick their corner. Sporting traditional headdress and wielding spears, the Aztecs easily overcome the weary Sooners.
#1 University Kansas Jayhawk vs. #16 Western Kentucky University Hilltopper “Big Red” – WKU’s Big Red is one of the best collegiate mascots, and has appeared in multiple ESPN commercials. Best described as a red blob, he has no clear strengths, but he will undoubtedly have the crowd on his side against the Jayhawk. Using his clear blob advantage, he will blob the Jayhawk into blobby submission.
Skipping ahead to the Final Four:
WEST: The Notre Dame Fighting Irish get past a bird, a fellow Irishman, a bear and rebel to make it to the round of four. He benefitted from having one of the weakest roads to the Finals.
MIDWEST: The Mizzou Tiger coasted by early opponents, only first being challenged by the cryptic Billiken in the Sweet 16. Finally having to face an animal rather than a human, the Billikan’s luck ran out. In a brutal seven-rounder bout, the Tiger defeats the Michigan St. Spartan, but is left badly injured.
EAST: Chief of the Fighting Illini lucks out, drawing animal opponents throughout the tournament thus far. With his sixth sense of the natural world, he craftily handles a tiger, wildcat and grizzly to make it to the Final Four.
SOUTH: Analysts are stunned to see #16 seed Big Red make the final four. Opponents have been unsure of how to attack the furry blob. In their moments of indecision, he has struck, engulfing them in his fluffy mouth.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Mizzou Tiger – With the Tiger weak, the Fighting Irishman attacks early and often. Lacking the weaponry of some of his fellow human mascots, the Irishman relies entirely on bare knuckle punches. Just as the Tiger is seemingly on the ropes, it musters one last attack, incapacitating the Irishman with repeated swipes with its massive claws. In the end, the brute natural strength was too much for a human to overcome, and the Tiger lives to fight one more match.
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Western Kentucky Hilltopper “Big Red” – The arrows and weaponry of the Illini Chief seem to have no effect on Big Red. Like the others before him, he is consumed by the massive, red enigma.
The Finals:
Mizzou Tiger vs. Western Kentucky Hilltopper “Big Red” – A limping, dazed Tiger enters the ring. After toying with the cat for a few minutes, Big Red gapes open and envelops the beast. “One Shining Moment” plays in the background, and a stunned crowd shifts in their seats, hoping the blob won’t turn on them too.
– Dylan Lewis can be reached at [email protected]
