Can I tell you a secret?

OK. Don’t tell anyone. I’m going to commit a murder. Several, in fact. But don’t worry. It’s nobody who will be missed. No, the people on my kill list are annoying, hostile and represent the downfall of Western civilization. No, it is not the cast of NBC’s “Joey.”

I’m talking about the panhandlers in front of Store 24.

I hate those guys. Hate them. Last year I worked a late shift for my co-op job, and would make the trek almost every night to Store 24 for some tasty Ben ‘ Jerry’s. Every night, like clockwork, there was some degenerate standing there, wanting change, becoming more and more abrasive as the alcohol was leaving his system.

Often, there are several panhandlers stretched out from Symphony Market to that Indian place nobody dares enter. And it’s the same five guys every night! They should make trading cards for these guys. “I’ll trade you the guy with the afro and the shaky hand for the guy with the flannel hat who kind of looks like my dad.”

Last October, I was almost stabbed by one of these guys. And by “almost stabbed,” I mean he came up to me and lightly touched my jacket.

But still, I don’t like crazy old guys coming up to me and lightly touching my jacket. And why haven’t the police stepped in to put a stop to these near-muggings? Oh right. It’s more important to stop the college kid with the beer than the nutjob willing to kill for a beer.

Listen, I’m not one of those people who hate the poor and homeless. I don’t vote Republican. But I think I should be able to buy a bottle of SoBe without being confronted by the dregs of Western civilization.

Especially since a majority of these guys are total jerks.

One character asked for change. I politely refused. He told me to “go screw!” Now, isn’t that unnecessary? Sorry, sir, I didn’t want to pay you for standing outside late at night. I have a drinking problem of my own to support, I can’t afford yours.

Still, I kind of like the “go screw” mentality. Like, if a girl rejects you, instead of crying over it and claiming you can change, just say: “Go screw.” Or, if a professor fails you, instead of lighting up their office hours with epic tales of deaths in the family and that battle with mononucleosis, you look him right in the eye and say “Go screw!”

This guy might be on to something.

One guy I can’t stand is the guy who blesses me. I don’t know where this guy was ordained, but what power gave him the right to say “Bless you, sir,” as I subtly ignore him? I hate that. Besides, as someone who grew up Catholic, I don’t need to be reminded that ignoring the poor so you can obtain the Eva Longoria issue of Maxim is probably not what Jesus would do.

I mean, at least do something for the money. Like the guy who dances to what I call the “Spare Change Shuffle.” He’s earning the money, and every time I see him I think: “Hey, he reminds me of *NSYNC. Let’s take him home.” OK, that’s not true. But at least this guy understands the fundamental principles of capitalism — you perform a service, you get paid.

Here’s my question: after two students were stabbed in front of Symphony last year, why haven’t the police stepped in and made panhandling illegal? The same goes for the flower merchants at that intersection of Massachusetts Avenue and Melnea Cass Boulevard. It’s like a drive-thru line waiting to be carjacked.

Opponents of a panhandling ban claim it would be an affront to charity. Charity is when you legitimately want to help people, and take it upon yourself to do so. Charity is not being confronted by people in your everyday life who annoy and possibly endanger you. That’s what roommates are for.

I’m all for charity, and I’m all for helping the poor. But sometimes, I just want a soda. Besides, if you’re stupid enough to turn to broke-ass college students for spare change, maybe you deserve to be on the street.

— Justin Rebello is a senior journalism major and a member of The News staff.