The students of Northeastern need a voice and I know who can deliver the goods.
Me, of course.
With this in mind, I barged into a meeting of the Board of Trustees and banged my hand on their conference table demanding we students be heard during the selection process for Northeastern’s new president. I told them I had a list of seven extremely qualified candidates of unquestioned integrity. I was kindly escorted out of the premises, sans wallet, and told never to come back again.
In all seriousness, the selection of the next president is a crucial decision for this fine institution. While the higher-ups do not care about what I have to say about the selection, nor should they, I do not care who they pick either. By this time next year, I’ll be covering 70-and-older badminton in suburban Topeka for a bowl of oatmeal and a bottle of water per day. So I could not care less who they choose, therefore making the following list of eligible candidates objective and clear-minded.
Larry David: Why would anyone in his or her right mind give up the high life in L.A. for five hours of sunshine in Boston? That’s the thing; Larry David subscribes to a different set of rules than everyone else. He is notorious for his antagonistic relationship with his audience during his standup career, so watching him flip off a crowd of students and their parents if they don’t give him enough applause during a speech would be well worth the price of admission. And if you ever watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” you know of his Jedi mind tricks, especially the one where he sizes up someone he thinks is lying by raising his eyebrows and staring at them for several awkward seconds. This works better than the polygraph.
Ashlee Simpson: Her new album is inexplicably a hit on the Billboard charts and she knows a thing or two about our school’s unique standing in the community. She has a more popular sister (BU), has gone through her share of controversies (let’s not go into this one), annoys almost everyone who comes in contact with her (ask Fenway and Mission Hill residents) and is constantly changing her looks (bricks anyone?). She could lip-synch her speeches and entertain the students with timeless songs that cut to the heart of the human condition, such as “La La” and “I Am Me.”
Xzibit: He is successful at turning a piece of crap into a jewel on MTV’s “Pimp My Ride,” so maybe he can do the same with Kariotis Hall. Let’s face it, Northeastern needs to be pimped and he is the man to do it. We would have waterfalls in Shillman, space ships in Egan and caged tigers in the student center. Sure, our tuition bill could reach the millions, but that was inevitable anyway. We might as well beat BU to the punch.
Kevin Millar: Yee haw! It’s a cowboy from California guiding NU to the Promised Land. Many students talk about not getting the bang for their 30,000 bucks at this school and if anyone knows how to rip people off, it’s him. He would also be a gold mine of quotes for my colleagues at the Northeastern News. If you don’t already know, he likes to talk. Enjoy, future journalism majors.
McGruff the Crime Dog: If you believe the news reports and City Council, the NU student body is the biggest collection of thieves, criminals and malcontents since the 2004 Republican National Convention. McGruff the Crime Dog would put a stop to that in a hurry. Imagine him stalking Huntington Avenue in his trench coat, trying to remain inconspicuous outside the liquor store before he pounces. You would have to give up your beer, but you’d smile while doing it because if you didn’t, he would bite your head off.
Heather Locklear: No, she is not just on the list because she is attractive. Anyway, I gave the gals Larry David, what else do they want? Locklear is on the list because she has the golden touch. She reinvigorated “Melrose Place” and “Spin City.” You could put her on “The McLaughlin Group” and it would trounce “Lost” in the ratings. If she becomes the president here, NU could overtake Harvard or Princeton for the number one spot in the US News and World Report’s rankings. Once we pull that off, Locklear can go all 1997 Florida Marlins on us and let this place go to hell. In addition, she is married to Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora. There’s your Springfest act for the next two decades. You can thank me later.
Big Brother: He could make sure that our campus resembles a police state. Wait, that’s already been done. He could monitor the students through a Web site, say Facebook, and collect dossiers from the profiles. Actually, that’s already been done. He could make sure that all the interesting courses for spring 2006 are on the same day and time, like Monday 11:45-1:25, so the process can be as annoying and frustrating as possible. Been done, too. Looks like Big Brother would not have too much work to do, which makes him the perfect choice. You will love Big Brother.
– Stephen Sears can be reached at [email protected].
