A man and woman stand opposite each other on stage. They stare, flirt and undress each other with their eyes. A man dressed like a penis runs toward the girl, further emphasizing the sexual tension. He then crashes into a tall, muscular man crossing the stage.
“Cock block,” they all say at once.
This was one of the skits in “The Penis Soliloquies,” presented by the Bacivo Nuggets theatre group at Blackman Auditorium Friday.
The goal of the show was “to promote a healthy attitude toward mens’ sexuality while making people laugh in the process,” said Andy Kleiman, a member of Bacivo Nuggets.
Kleiman, along with Jake Serien and Marcus Terry formed the group when they were undergraduate students at Ithaca College. The trio, who now live together in New York working as comedians, said they connected through comedy.
The night began with about a half-hour of technical difficulties, but the three men settled the antsy audience with a round of “The Penis Game.”
About six students stood on stage – one dressed in a banana costume – and screamed the word ‘”penis,” in hopes of winning the title of “Northeastern Penis Game Champion” by being the loudest.
When the show started, the troupe was joined by three friends to act out skits and tackle taboo issues concerning the penis like size, masturbation, condoms and unwanted erections.
Serien, dressed as a penis – complete with tan-colored spandex, a tan T-shirt and a purple swim cap, discussed masturbation and read to the audience from a dictionary.
“Webster defines masturbation as an erotic stimulation especially of one’s own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies or by various combinations of these agencies,” Serien said. “Clearly, Webster didn’t jerk off that much.”
Serien gave his own definition of masturbation, saying it is “an art, a craft, a one-man sport that requires hand-eye coordination.”
When talking about the obsession a man has with his penis’s length, He said, “Don’t trust your ruler, because it turns out your penis is never as big as you want it to be.”
Serien also warned about other methods of measuring, like note cards, which can give unwanted paper cuts, he said.
He later continued to describe his masturbation habits throughout his life.
“As a child I was beaten, as a teenager, I was beaten even more. Now in college, it’s everyday,” he said.
Kleiman later took the stage to act out various methods of male masturbation. Demonstrating hand motions, Kleiman showed the “standard lefty,” the “never ending handkerchief'” and the “fire starter.”
“Every time you masturbate, an angels get its wings,” Kleiman said at the end of his act.
The subject of re-adjusting, which, said the Bacivo Nuggets, is “ridiculed by women and shunned by society” is another concern men have about their privates. “The standard,” “the kick,” “the model” and “the backwards grab” were all stated as methods of relief for men, reenacted by Serien and Kleiman.
The theatre group also tackled serious issues like wearing a condom and sexually transmitted diseases, but with a touch of humor.
“Before you attack her, wrap your wacker,” Terry said.
Throughout the show, the three men frequently lined up on stage for “Penis Facts.” Among the most interesting included that Isaac Newton died a virgin and that the average penis is 5.4 inches. The facts also included humorous statements like “if a penis ejaculated chocolate syrup, all women would be sluts and all men gay.”
Jason Horton, a junior business major, said the show was interesting, but he would have liked it better if it was shorter and had started promptly.
Even though the hour and a half-long show ran long, Kristen Bonkowski, a middler biology major, said she heard about show through Facebook and that it was “overall funny.”
