In the past five months, everything about their relationship has changed.
When Andrew Phan was a senior at Troy High School in Detroit, Jenny Hill was his prom date. They grew attached, and though they planned to split up when Phan left for Boston, they didn’t end up liking other people as much as they liked each other, he said.
But these days, they barely speak.
“Things had gotten really rough over holiday break,” said Phan, a middler pharmacy major. “Our relationship – it took on a whole new weight.”
Although reception was poor and his mother’s voice was breaking up into static, Phan said he knew something was wrong when she called on Oct. 10. He was right. His father, who would have turned 50 two weeks later, had died. He wasn’t sick, Phan said – he was training for a triathlon and drowned – and after the unexpected loss, Phan’s anxiety and depression cast his relationship with Hill in a whole new light.
“I think for her, it felt like it wasn’t good enough, whatever she did to try and make me feel better,” he said. “Or that she wasn’t enough.”
Phan is part of a growing population of college students who cope with depression – it effects from 18 to 21 percent of students, according to studies conducted between 2000 and 2006 by the American College Health Association – and who must balance that struggle with other daily responsibilities. For some, this includes maintaining romantic relationships, which almost always feel the pressure of a mental illness.
“Students who are in relationships and come in complaining of feeling depressed often express concern that it is affecting that relationship,” said Dr. Robert Klein, director of behavioral health at University Health and Counseling Services. “Part of the work begins with trying to understand how it’s impacting the relationship – in what ways the depression is manifesting itself.”
Although UHCS does not offer couples counseling, Klein said partners can join each other during some counseling sessions, and that clinicians would accommodate a patient who felt more comfortable in session with their significant other around. “If we determine that the primary treatment needs to be couple’s therapy, then we do refer the couple to a couple’s therapist,” he said.
People who suffer from depression are at risk of isolation, Klein said, and might not communicate with their partner the way they typically have in the past.
For Phan, the opposite occurred – he became needy, he said, and Jenny, who had consoled him compassionately for months, burned out. This isn’t unlikely either, Klein said.
“It can leave a partner feeling perhaps they’ve done something [wrong] … and can also leave the partner feeling inadequate or helpless,” he said. “The partner can start to feel isolated, too, because it’s a very difficult experience to communicate to others.”
For both members of the relationship, education is key, said Dr. Shu-Fen Shih of Rockhurst University in Kansas City, Mo. It’s important that each individual be responsible for themselves in the context of what they share, she said, and also for both to research and understand the side effects of depression.
“It’s very important to view the psychological illness as very similar to a physical illness,” Shih said. “It will make you more caring, more worried.”
While Phan’s relationship seemed to buckle beneath the weight of his depression, Klein said this isn’t always the case. He also said college relationships – though seen sometimes as volatile, flingy or immature – follow the same guidelines as any other.
“Relationships are challenging and demanding at any age, and from time to time, require a great deal of attention and actually require repair,” he said. “I have seen students in relationships show tremendous compassion and support to one another, and be quite valuable to one another. I wouldn’t advise someone who is under stress to abandon a relationship [in which their partner is depressed].”
But if a relationship is negatively affecting the way students function socially, personally or academically, Klein urged them to confront the issue.
When dealing with a depressed partner, it’s not only crucial to strike a balance, but to draw a healthy line somewhere.
“You need to recognize the boundary between you and your partner,” Shih said. “Your partner is depressed, not you. You have to realize, ‘The most I can do is be supportive, understanding, not judgmental, not critical.’ Somebody becomes the caretaker, and they need to take care of themselves, too.”
Now, in light of his father’s death, two months of therapy and a recent episode that prompted him to start taking anti-anxiety medication, Phan said he’s not sure if he’s ready for another relationship – even if he wants one.
“I’m looking for closeness,” he said. “But I’m afraid to let myself miss all of that again – go through a break-up again. I don’t know if I can take care of myself well enough, or be there for myself, let alone someone else in a relationship. I don’t think I have that accountability right now. But that’s something I miss – that’s the weird thing about it.”
