For the sake of all things holy, why am I still hearing about the successful month-long Janitors Strike? Even when it was so-called “news,” I was mildly disgusted by the efforts, especially those of the NU lemmings rallying in support of this great and noble cause.
Please understand, I, myself, used to be a part-time janitor at two different institutions. And although I had such laborious and system-critical tasks as refilling the 2-D toilet paper and emptying out the ladies’ used Tampon boxes, I never expected good pay or benefits. As much as I missed the smell of industrial-strength Lysol and day-old diapers in the wee hours of the morning, I moved on to jobs that required more skills than that of a trained monkey.
Now, I could argue that if Boston’s crack crew of full and part-time janitors really deserved higher wages and health care benefits, then why not all janitors in all of Massachusetts? In fact, the entire nation may be in a crisis with its underpaid custodial population.
Why stop there? Are the many types of laborers getting enough pay? Are the part-time laborers getting health coverage? Why don’t we just give every single entity in North America full health care whether they do a good job or even work at all? Oh, wait, Canada already does that, don’t they?
Of course, the big institutions are not looked upon fondly; they are seen as the big bullies. How dare they expect part-time staff to mop the floors without proper pay and health benefits! Don’t they realize that all these janitors have a bad back and eight children to feed?
The obvious solution to reduce this headache for the institutions would be a system of clean-droids. These semi-intelligent robots, when the price of the technology goes down enough, will be much more efficient and dependable than the custodial staff. They will never rebel or demand a pay raise (or any pay at all), and always perform at any strange hours the management can concoct. They will also speak fluent English.
But how long will it take for these robots to hit the market and prove themselves? If we can’t wait for the machines, perhaps we can look towards genetic engineering. All pesky future laws aside, a new type of service company could create an army of cleaning clones that would be hired by institutions such as Northeastern. They could be “programmed” or genetically inclined (or tweaked with electronic brain-mods) not to go on strike even if they are in a union, and they wouldn’t want to be in a union anyway.
Their only concept of union would be their giant cloned family that respects and follows all wishes and commands of the “Mother.” And they will all be named “Edward.”
– Sam Kenyon is a middler computer technology major.
