I have a crush on each of the following individuals: Mark Prior, Joe Thornton , Vince Carter, LaDainian Tomlinson and Todd Bertuzzi (and many, many more).

That’s right, a crush. I’m talking a droopy-eyed, head-tilted, can’t speak, first-love type of crush — and I’m a straight guy. I’m sure you’ve run into this phenomenon before. Most know it as a “man crush,” but I prefer the term “non-sexual crush.”

By writing this column, I hope I can provide some insight into today’s professional athletes and the men who love them (just not like that).

For me, it all started back in small town Illinois, with a man named Bo Jackson. I loved the guy. I couldn’t get enough of him. I had the Bo Jackson poster, the baseball card, the football card … hell, I even had the poster of a Bo Jackson football card.

To say that I was a fan of Jackson would be a gross understatement.

With that said, there are a few necessary components that go into any non-sexual crush.

First and foremost, they’ve gotta be good. No one has ever had a crush on the third-string punter for the Cincinnati Bengals. It just doesn’t work like that. Although, I suppose if he could kick the ball really far, exceptions might be made. Regardless, they can’t be devoid of any athletic talent.

Which brings me to my next point: They can’t just be good. They’ve gotta have a flair or style that sets them apart. This doesn’t mean they have to improvise touchdown dances every game a la Terrell Owens, although I’m sure he won a few hearts with his Sharpie incident last year. They’ve gotta have an attitude. For hockey players Joe Thornton and Todd Bertuzzi, that means being one tough S.O.B. For hurler Mark Prior, it’s having mechanics smoother than a tub of Jiffy peanut butter, and for slick running back LaDainian Tomlinson, it means being able to outrun a Porshe in fifth gear.

But it’s not all about the fine physical prowess of each specimen: It’s the peaceful “I’m lovely and I know it” attitude that each athlete maintains, that sets them apart. It’s what makes them “crush-worthy.”

Last but not least, they’ve gotta be pretty good lookin’ dudes (or chicks). I hate to say it, but looks do play a part. I mean, I’m as straight as they come, but when Joey Thornton takes the ice with those dreamy long locks of golden hair, I melt.

It’s like this: Have you ever had a crusty old favorite T-shirt that just felt right every time you put it on? And everytime you wore it, good things seemed to happen? That’s the gist of a non-sexual crush. Everytime that player hits the ice/court/field/diamond, the world seems to be in order.

So, the next time you’re watching a game with your special someone and they get a little too into it, don’t worry. They’re just showing their love appreciation for the fine athletes in front of them.

In the box: Anyone and everyone is invited to send me their favorite (or funniest) non-sexual crushes. I’ll run them at a later date in The News. Don’t worry, if you wish to remain anonymous, names can be changed to protect the innocent … After a week off, the football team heads to the University of Massachusetts-Amherst Saturday in a critical showdown. If the NU gridders win, their NCAA Division 1-AA playoff hopes remain alive. If they lose, well, that’d be about the end of 2003 … Check out The News next week for our men’s basketball season preview. Suffice to say, coach Everhart and the boys will be dancin’ this March. Stay tuned for more.

— Jack Weiland may be reached at [email protected]. He can be heard every Wednesday at 1 p.m. on WRBB 104.9 FM’s “Newstime.”