By Zach Hosseini

With my penchant for playing God, and God’s intention on destroying California with hell’s flames and a gap-toothed muscleman, I have compiled a list of things I would like to be destroyed, vanquished, annihilated, axed, trashed and, ahem, terminated:

So Much To Say

First of all, I don’t know how nosh evolved into a modern day substitute for, “Oh, I’m not really that hungry, but since I have no control over myself, I think I’ll have this harmless fat-ridden snack.” What a gross-sounding word anyway. Just say it: nosh. Yuck.

And don’t even get me started on “whatnot.” That phrase is for people who slept through the lesson on adjectives in their fourth grade grammar class and now inexplicably lose their train of thought midway through a sentence. Supposedly “whatnot” seems to happen all the time, but why haven’t I seen it?

How did chill go from being a way to serve gazpacho to a lame event?

If it’s not right to mince words, why mix them? Let’s dump hyped-up SportsCenter descriptors like ginormous and fantabulous. And I’ll even eliminate future pop lexicon before it spawns more stupidity; gone are promonstrous (prodigious + monstrous), gargassive (gargantuan + massive) and humonbo (humongous + jumbo).

And finally, you must understand the magnitude of “like” in our culture. When I get my say and the most ubiquitous word in American speech is gone, the English language will cease to exist as we know it. Seriously, if you actually take a mental tally of how many times like is used superfluously, you’ll realize what I mean. We’ll be a people of frustrated caveman grunts and facial expressions. It’s not so bad really, I’ve always thought Icelandic sounded sexy anyway.

He does what exactly?

How about getting rid of every employee at Northeastern with assistant, vice president or interim in their title? Besides the trauma the titles lash on my tongue, I just feel like the gravy train for made-up jobs has just parked itself at this school. A professor once told me that a private study released internally at the school revealed that Northeastern was one of the most top-heavy organizations the reviewer had ever seen. But don’t you worry all you assistants to traveling secretaries, nobody reads this garbage.

19-18

Not wanting to beat a dead horse for the rest of my life, I propose we not only strip the Boston Red Sox of their last World Series Championship in 1918, but the ones won before that as well. Think about it, whenever you dance circles around a Yankee fan when you’re talking baseball, what’s their answer? All you get are those stupid four syllables: 1918. So, if you take that away, what’s left? I guess they could try, “you suck,” or something to that effect, but that chant has really lost its luster, and asking them to come up with something clever is a little bit beyond their means. I’d also like to omit the following baseball players from history books: Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, Derek Jeter, Reggie Jackson, Thurman Munson, Bernie Williams, Mariano Rivera and Aaron Bleeping Boone.

Pop This

And let it be known, the person that invented pop-up windows is done. I think we can all agree that this person has served no purpose in this world but to annoy every single solitary user of the Internet. When this said worthless human realizes the fact that God put him on the earth to invent the tech equivalent of chicken pox, I hope he/she will go back under the rock from whence they came. No, I’m not interested in the Vegas betting line, finding an old classmate or enlarging my, uh, um, biceps size. So take your pop-up and shove it.

-Zach Hosseini can be reached at [email protected].