Somebody stop the madness. Please, I’m begging you. Television is taking a turn for the worst (wait, it did that 15 years ago.)
OK, so I realize that this is nothing new, but it is still becoming progressively more and more of a disturbing matter as the minutes pass by. I really want to meet some of the employees that think of these “new” ideas for television programs. I’d like to see what they actually look like in daylight.
I have this image in my head of these people being those underlings that sleep in the sewers under New York City, venturing above ground muttering to themselves and laughing sporadically as they make their way to their cubicles for their day. Wait, maybe not all of them, that would just make for a very frightening world. But at least a good portion have to fall into that category, I’m convinced.
Who else could think of putting Tammy Faye, Ron Jeremy and Vanilla Ice together in any sort of room or better yet, keep FOX News on the air, I mean…
I have a better idea, one of a kind I tell you. This could be my big break, my chance to cash in on the market and throw in all my chips. Let’s take vulnerable and neglected teenagers and young adults that hate the way they look and feed their negative self image of being “ugly” by paying for extensive plastic surgery.
Oh darn, that sadistic concept was already picked up by MTV (and ranted about last week in a series of print publications.)
Maybe we can take a midget, wait, is it dwarf? At any rate, someone who is “vertically challenged” (here comes the hate-mail from that) and have him publicly find a mate on national television. Cute? Or just an utter embarrassment as the sick American public are not watching for the romance and love that could, gasp, spark from such a premise, but the fact that your inseam is the size of my brother’s sneakers.
You know, I think that FOX may have found the answer to stopping horrible TV. Nope, sorry that was my imagination again, darn thing keeps thinking that FOX is actually a credible station outside of giving us the Simpsons and The Family Guy.
Anyways, FOX has come up with the ingenious plan to take 15 girls, “ugly ducklings” as they call them (I kid you not) give them a series of plastic surgery procedures so that they can compete in, what else, but a beauty pageant of sorts. Can somebody tell me what ever happened to those purely innocent makeover shows, where a girl would go and have her hair redone, be attacked by a makeup artist and have her wardrobe revamped? Did those vanish with the evaporation of Sally Jesse Raphael and Ricki Lake’s waistline? That must have been the case because God knows, a change in a hairstyle, lipliner and top is now not as good as going under the knife in high-risk procedures. What was I thinking?
Honestly, what kind of name are we making for ourselves? We act like the world isn’t already laughing at us for trying to act like grown-ups in “big kid” matters. You know, things like health care, defense, foreign policy, the economy — or lack thereof.
What better way to redeem our name as a “superpower” than to produce complete rubbish for television and sadly enough, see such programs attract at least some sort of rating. Maybe I’m just frustrated with the mentality of the generations walking on this Earth as a whole, no … that’s exactly it.
I can’t even paint myself as a saint in this one either. If I’m flipping through cable, which isn’t very frequent anymore (thank God for busy schedules) and catch a glimpse of one of these shows, there’s a chance that I too will be sucked in. It’s not something that I am proud of. I’m actively trying to find a support group for those who are products of America’s craptastic special interest television programs. Maybe I’ll just have to start one, call it “Tainted Tube Anonymous” or “Video Victims.” Meh, I’ll have to work with the title.
But in all seriousness, aside from some basic news stations, channels that are either historic in nature or play old-time television and films and a smattering of programs that have some educational base behind them, the drivel that spouts out of my 17-inch idiot box is enough to fill the Boston Harbor.
It’ll be interesting to see where the next generation ends up when they get to be our age and a bit older. I just hope that they don’t look to these TV “icons,” if they even deserve such an honored title, as role models and example.
If so, our future is in serious trouble.
— Kaitlin Thaney can be reached at
