These days it seems everyone is obsessed with reality television and celebrities. Between ordinary people eating bugs and marrying for money and then hour-long specials dissecting the “fabulous life” of pop culture icons, prime-time has become a very sad time for me.

However, I have found the diamond in the rough; the one show that doesn’t show people acting “real” and is completely devoid of any actual celebrities: VH1’s “The Surreal Life.”

The formula is simple: take six pseudo-celebs, pack them and their egos into a mansion and watch as hilarity ensues. Though classified as “reality television,” these has-beens/never-weres are so focused on reclaiming their stardom, they are anything but real.

The first season, which originally aired on the WB, housed such big names as Gabrielle Carteris and Jeri Manthey. Sound familiar? You may know Carteris as Andrea on “Beverly Hills, 90210” and Manthey as the bikini-clad loudmouth from “Survivor: the Australian Outback.” That’s right, huge stars.

But they weren’t alone. Just to make these 30 minutes as bizarre as possible, the first season also starred financial specialist M.C. Hammer, everyone’s favorite little person Emmanuel Lewis from TV’s “Webster,” Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil, “Baywatch” babe Brande Roderick and of course Corey Feldman from the cult-classic “The Goonies.” Don’t recognize some of these names either? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

“The Surreal Life” doesn’t just settle for watching these celebs co-exist. Oh no, they sent members of the first season camping, made them put on a talent show and culminated with Feldman’s wedding, complete with puffy pirate shirts. Amazing.

Now how could this masterpiece of a television show possibly have any room for improvement? The second season dug up some familiar faces, including porn star Ron Jeremy, televangelist Tammy Faye Baker, ninja turtle rapper Vanilla Ice, “CHiPs” star Erik Estrada, “Baywatch” beauty Traci Bingham and Trishelle Cannatella, who apparently is still capitalizing on her “Real World: Las Vegas” appearance.

This group had to endure another blast from the past as Sally Jesse Raphael, complete with giant red glasses, appeared for a segment called “Dirty Laundry,” in which the former talk show host intervened and lectured the cast members about their behavior.

But this episode reached new heights of weirdness when Raphael called Cannatella an “alcoholic slut,” which I feel is a pretty accurate assessment, and Cannatella began to have what I like to call a reality TV hissy fit, complete with repetition of “turn the f-ing camera off” while crying and saying how little she wants to be there.

Somehow now in its third season, the show’s current cast blows the last two completely out of the water.

First, Charo. Known for her appearances on TV’s “The Loveboat,” this spicy Spaniard also won Guitar Magazine’s readers’ poll for Best Flamenco Guitarist two years in a row. Now in her 60s, Charo can still easily swap outfits with Britney.

Also on this season’s cast, Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. Now over 30-years-old and having put on a few pounds, the chances of Knight using this opportunity to reclaim teen idol status are slim to none. Jordan, you had your chance at a come-back and you blew it, remember?

Perhaps the most easily recognizable cast member, Dave Coulier, or “Joey” from “Full House” and supposed muse for Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know,” also appears this season. Seeing him be himself almost makes me miss his ridiculous woodchuck puppet and Bullwinkle impersonations.

Trying to make the most of her stint on the first season of American Idol, Tiffany Montgomery, who now goes by Ryan Starr, which is obviously much more edgy, is the youngest member of this group of former “stars.” You also may have seen her shopping in Avril Lavigne’s closet.

Romance is afoot this season between the rapper who made giant clock necklaces cool, Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav, and actress Brigitte Nielson. Nielson’s resume includes co-starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Red Sonja,” having a duet with ’80s new-wave artist Falco and most notably marrying Sylvester Stallone. This European giant of a woman is usually seen stumbling around topless.

With a cast that includes everything from midgets to porn stars, “The Surreal Life” is like a bad car accident that you can’t help but stare at. Wait, actually it’s more like an accident between two hot dog shaped cars driven by three-armed chimpanzees. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t think of anywhere else on television where I could see Joey Gladstone sharing a room with Flavor Flav. And anyone who can’t see the humor in that can simply “cut-it-out.”

— Bobby Hankinson can be reached at [email protected].