Well, the Resident Student Association Sex magazine “Stripped” has finally come out, and I’ve learned some very important things.

First, I have learned that only attractive people may have sex. God forbid some physically unappealing people copulate and inadvertently spread their DNA onto a future generation. If your Body Mass Index is above 22, get ready for a life of celibacy. Second, Human Papillomavirus and being in the closet are both serious issues, but only being a closeted gay is serious enough to be discussed next to a picture in which someone is actually wearing pants. Third, nothing on the joys of self-love? Come on, people! We can’t all spend our Friday nights going to the best first dates in Boston or being a closet slut/man whore. Fourth, apparently every college girl has gotten a booty call at some point, which makes me wonder why mine hasn’t come yet. Judging from this magazine, the only conceivable reason must be the first thing I learned. If my self-esteem hadn’t been brutally slaughtered years ago, this might be cause for concern, but without the third thing I learned, it’s just a tragedy.

– Mary Bongiovi is a junior English major.