By Stephen Sears
Television on a February Sunday consists of me flipping through the channels and only coming across cheesy ’80s movies with Tom Berenger or Patrick Swayze. I finally just turn it off.
I felt the same way looking through the Summer I-II course catalog, except I had to choose something. The selection was as sparse as a Dunkin’ Donuts shop 10 minutes before closing: five journalism courses, five history, three philosophy, and discounting the basic college writing classes, six English. What to choose?
To deflect charges that I am just another cynical college student with all the questions and complaints to last a lifetime, but none of the answers, I have come up with some course ideas for Northeastern to offer next summer so the mini-mesters are only mini in name.
It could be tough finding professors for these classes. For one thing, we could not possibly make them work in the summer. It’s not like almost everyone else in this country has to pound away at work no matter the season. If this problem can be solved, then I think we might have something here.
* Intro to College: Will give valuable lessons and experience to those still gripping with college life. No textbooks, but you must staple your Husky Card to your forehead. Students will paint Wendy’s and Dunkin’ Donuts logos to the wall and then stand in front of them without moving for 45 minutes. Professor will simulate what it is like to walk around campus by lighting a cigarette and blowing it in the students’ faces. Pass/Fail.
* NU Bureaucracy: Students will run into classroom wall for two hours.
* Real Life for Liberal Arts Majors: Dress like you are unemployed because you will be once you graduate. Professor will bring in soon-to-be-rich engineering and business majors who can fling one hundred dollar bills in the air and scream “Money!” like Eric Cartman. “Money consists of these green pieces of paper, and you use it to buy stuff!” If the class, by some huge mistake, happens to be held in a hall built after the Civil War, say Behrakis, then cobwebs will be put up and half the room will be closed off to provide students with the familiar atmosphere of Nightingale and friends.
* Professorial Double Standards: Students get their chance at being the educators and not the learners. Assign several textbooks, especially any you have written yourself, that cost around $75 each. It’s not your money. Then assign pages 1-94 for the following morning in all the textbooks. By engaging in these activities, each side can learn about the other. At mid-term, switch roles but keep the same attitude. Some educators are lackadaisical about correcting papers, so turn the tables. The professor wants the paper. You do not have it, so say, “You know, I fell a little behind. I’ll have it to you next week.” Then act as if nothing is wrong.
* Red Sox Nation: I noticed many more Red Sox hats around campus last October than I have ever seen before. Good. Welcome aboard, everyone. I must say, however, that once you join, you can never leave. If you do, you’re no better than those spineless Yankee bloodsuckers who lurk around Boston like rats. Students will learn that it has not been all that bad. Who can forget the great Wild Card Championship teams of 1998-1999? The Yoda mask? Once the student is sufficiently prepared, then the indoctrination can begin. The instructor will play Fox Sports coverage because chances are they have a certain videotape in the truck ready for airtime. “Dale Earnhardt Jr. takes a left turn, this is crazy! Almost as unbelievable as the ball going through Buckner’s legs. Remember? (Cue the footage) A roller up along first … behind the bag! It gets through Buckner!” You may even see it during news coverage. “Bush and Putin are meeting in Moscow today. Only 18 years ago, these countries were enemies, back when Bill Buckner was a fan favorite in Boston. But as we know, all things change … ‘Behind the bag!'” By the millionth time the student views the Sox Zapruder films, the pain should be inherited. Gaining lifelong allegiance and the Sox fan radar of pending disaster are the ultimate goals.
Some say these intangibles cannot be learned in class. I say, let Northeastern blaze the trail. Offer these and like-minded classes and teach what cannot be taught. Anything is better than the sparse offerings left for us in the current situation. Knowing who discovered gravity is all fine and good, but knowing how to deftly avoid ever taking an 8 a.m. class is what makes a semester livable or a living hell.
If we are unable to work things out, I may be forced to choose between “Biophysical Calculus” and “Familial Patterns in Medieval Europe.” Not good. I think I would rather expedite the unemployment process now and save the trouble.
— Stephen Sears can be reached at [email protected].
