Some things are everlasting. Iconologies and cultural traits become so imbedded in our sociological mindset that they become synonymous with the very reasons for life itself. The Great Pyramids, Shakespearean literature, the white flag of truce and Pac-Man have all become universally recognized and border on immortal. Not all things, however, are worthy of such greatness.
There are some traits, symbols, activities and sayings that will never, and should never, achieve an amaranthine place in society. Brutish and destructive behavior, long tolerated under certain societal standards, is certainly less acceptable now than in the past. Popular sayings also have no real ability to maintain stature in society.
Many sayings commonly used by people today simply do not make any sense whatsoever. Some say that you may have “a ghost of a chance” of something happening. This simply cannot be applied to everyday life because the statistical probabilities for ghosts have yet to be calculated by top statisticians.
A group of scientists at the National Zoological Association (NZA) have set out to disprove a commonly used, although ever-so-improper saying. The scientists set out to prove that there are indeed many more things that are “more fun than a barrel full of monkeys.”
“We have long pondered this conundrum here at the Association,” a researcher said. “The fact is that a barrel of monkeys simply would not be fun.”
Researchers at NZA have conducted a multitude of experiments involving groups of various monkey species being placed into wooden barrels. Placing these wild mammalia into a confined group atmosphere sparked astonishing behavioral results.
“Aside from the standard poo-flinging, these animals went absolutely berserk. There was abnormal jumping, hitting, biting and general destruction of the interior of the barrel,” a senior NZA official said. “There was certainly nothing fun about these barreled monkeys.”
When the barreled monkeys were introduced into social situations involving people and other monkeys, the results turned disastrous. The barreled monkeys often attacked and destroyed everything they could get their fury little hands on. There was also a dramatic statistical rise in the amount of poo flinging.
“You thinking they could have fun just playing in the barrel with all the other monkeys,” a research assistant said. “But no; it was just absolute monkey mayhem. I’ll never look at Curious George the same way again after what went on in there.”
Other assistants felt the same way. In a post participation survey, assistants gave the monkeys an average rating of 1 on a fun scale of 1 to 10. The other monkeys simply walked away dragging their tails.
A Cuban Space Agency (CSA) study supports these findings. Cuban astronauts discovered that monkeys, when launched into space, behave as, if not more, erratically than monkeys confined to barrels on earth.
“The monkeys went mucho loco,” an anonymous CSA source said.
According to the CSA source, the barreled monkeys, once released, began tearing off buttons to various computer systems on the shuttle. Tragedy was averted when a thrifty astronaut coaxed the monkeys back into the barrel using bananas and various shiny objects.
A member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), while on her honeymoon in the Niagara Falls region, locked herself in a wooden barrel to protest these experiments.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) mistook the protest for another “over-the-falls-in-a-barrel” stunt and arrested the woman, confiscating her barrel. She was later released. The barrel, however, remains impounded by Canadian authorities.
Canadian officials would not comment as to the expected release date of the barrel in question, but assurances were given that it would in no way be used for animal research.
PETA issued an official statement thanking the RCMP for helping to curb barrel experimentation on monkeys, but condemned the agency for riding horses in the first place.
Both the NZA and CSA findings strongly suggest that there is nothing fun about a barrel of monkeys. The research shows that when people say “it will be more fun than a barrel of monkeys,” they are probably right.
“Since monkeys in a barrel are blatantly not fun, then most things would obviously be more fun than a barrel of monkeys. This makes the saying a moot point and gives it little credence in terms of scientific feasibility,” the head of NZA stated in a published statement.
Scientists also indicated that these results could be applied to other various species of mammal, especially ones prone to asinine behavioral traits.
– Quotes listed in the above column are completely ficticious and intended for pure amusement.
— Nick Puleo is a middler political science major.
