Avalon was packed Saturday night for a rare U.S. performance by England-based rock queen PJ Harvey. After anxiously waiting outside for 45 minutes, I found myself situated toward the front of the crowd, dead center. But, of course, I was behind one of the only people taller than myself (at 6 feet 3 inches) complete with a Black Sabbath shirt and his bald, female counterpart. They stood creepily stroking each other while staring straight ahead and grimacing.

In front of the gruesome twosome was a collection of young females, giddily laughing as they waited for the concert to begin.

Suddenly, a screaming match ensued between one of the chatty girls and the hairless femme troll in front of me.

Apparently, chatty girl had flipped her hair into the mouth of bald woman, who in turn gave the girl an elbow to the back.

After a brief exchange of four-letter words and an accusation of the bald woman being a “source of negative Karma,” the two agreed to disagree.

To my right, a group consisting of one female and several males took turns running to the merchandise stand and bar and then pushing their way back to their place in the crowd, while a couple behind me sat spread-eagle, occupying enough space for five individuals.

One thought came to mind: No one knows how to conduct themselves at concerts. For some reason, no matter how many shows people have been to, each time their memory is completely erased of any prior ettiquette knowledge

Concert-goers everywhere need to realize that crowds at concerts are packed tightly together. You will get hair in your mouth, you will get other people’s sweat on you and you will be uncomfortably close to whomever is next to you. And, if your luck is anything like mine, whomever is next to you will be fat and smell incredibly bad.

Some people may be unhappy with their place and decide to punch, kick and claw their way to the front of the crowd; stop it. If you care that much about being in the front of the crowd, get there early like the rest of us. I, for one, did not wait outside for 45 minutes for you to elbow me in the ribs and then stand in front of me.

If you did get to the show early enough to snag a coveted space in the front of the crowd, stay there. When you take a place in the front, you need to accept the fact that if you plan on keeping it, you can’t go buy a T-shirt or, worse yet, a beer. What’s so wrong with enjoying a cold one while rocking out? Well, since there isn’t enough room to really keeps your arms raised properly, your drink will inevitably spill all over you and everyone around you.

Even worse than those running sprints from the stage to the bar is physically pulling 20 of your closest friends into your 6-inch space halfway through the show when everyone’s already comfortable.

I can understand why some people need to move around, because at most general admission shows, you may find yourself standing for hours at a time. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, your knees hurt. But no, it’s not OK to sit down. When you sit you occupy about three times the space and, in case you didn’t notice, there is an entire room full of people standing around you. You too have the ability to stand upright; it is a trait we inherited from our ancestors through evolution.

Sitting down may make it easier for the people behind you to see, but so does using some common sense.

I’m a tall guy, but when I’m at a show and Thumbelina herself is standing behind me in all her 1-inch tall glory, I invite her to move in front of me, because she won’t be obstructing my view anyway. However, any concert I’ve been to has had some billboard-sized behemoth of a man standing front and center. Understand that everyone else paid to see the show too.

Although you may think you have the best view possible, you still need to be prepared to be jostled out of place by the dude next to you who won’t stop bumping into you while attempting to “dance.”

I am all about the dancing. You want to shake your groove thing, go for it. But please, don’t ram yourself into me repeatedly. We’re not mountain goats, there is no need to headbutt me over and over. And if you’re singing along, don’t do it louder than the performer. Especially if you’re doing it poorly.

But even if you follow all these rules, some conflicts are unavoidable.

Take the chatty girls from the PJ Harvey show. As the crowd filed out at the close of the performance, you could hear them telling a fairly large gentleman that he was “one of those empty-shell people.”

At that point, even I would have given her a few elbows.

— Bobby Hankinson can be reached at [email protected]