By Justin Rebello

Remember that episode of “Friends” when Ross and Rachel got together? Of course you do. They watch that video where Rachel was stood up on her prom night, and it’s revealed that Ross had gotten prepared to take her instead. Then, at the last second, Rachel’s date finally arrived. Upon seeing this, Rachel kisses Ross and the audience goes berserk. Little did we know, that was the end. After that episode, “Friends” became a chick show, consisting of relationships, weddings, babies and enough estrogen to sponsor a Lilith Fair. Not good times.

That’s how “Friends” ruined itself. It went soft. That’s how you can ruin just about anything. Softening. What if Metallica decided to release an album consisting entirely of Clay Aiken covers? What if director David Fincher decided to change the ending of “Se7en” so Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow’s head go skipping off into the sunset? What if the Red Sox and Yankees decided to shake hands on national television before their first game next week?

Sound ridiculous? Well, that last one might be coming true. According to the Boston Globe, a group of fifth and sixth-graders at the Merriam School in Acton have requested the century-old rivals shake hands prior to their Opening Day game Sunday, as a sign of solidarity and sportsmanship. Managers Joe Torre and Terry Francona, as well as the incomparably evil Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner, are in full support of the idea.

But wait a second. Aren’t these the same two teams that have engaged in not one, but two bench-clearing brawls in the past two years? Aren’t these the same two teams that spend over $100 million every winter to ensure they can beat the other when the season starts? Now all of a sudden, because of a few naive kids, they will partake in an outrageously contrived exhibition that undermines the players and their fans? Why not just have Danny Tanner come out to home plate and say, “Now Alex, give Jason a big hug”?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Jesus, Justin, is it that big of a deal?” Yes, it is. Don’t get me wrong, I would have no problem if the Sox and Yanks were to shake hands after a playoff series, like the Dodgers and Cardinals after last year’s National League Divisional Series, or hockey teams during the Stanley Cup playoffs. It might be a nice change of pace from FOX showing endless cuts of pissed-off players on the losing team as Joe Buck says something condescending. But to hold it before a game, a regular season game, for no real reason other than to appease a bunch of whiny kids, well, who could possibly take that seriously?

Apparently the issue arose at Merriam School after last year’s American League Championship, when kids were afraid to wear their Yankee hats to school in fear they would be bullied. Come on now, these kids are 11 and 12 years old. Remember what it was like at that age? Every possible flaw you had was magnified to a perverse degree. You were either too fat, too skinny, wore glasses, wore braces, were too smart, too dumb, smelled weird or all of the above. If the worst these kids have to deal with is being mocked for wearing a Yankees hat, then maybe they should just hop back on the Pink Bunny Trail toward Sugar Island and dance with the Happy Elves, because reality is going to kick the living bejesus out of them when they get to junior high.

There’s another dynamic at work here. Baseball needs this rivalry. Its best player is a whiny, melodramatic, incoherent racist. Pretty much every statistic over the last decade is moot because of some moron’s tell-all. Half the teams have no shot at the World Series. Playoff games last until three in the morning. Frankly, the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is baseball’s golden child, a ratings machine in October, when people were legitimately surprised to learn there was also a National League Championship. (I know, I was shocked, too.)

You’re probably thinking, ooh, another geocentric Red Sox fan who can’t possibly fathom life in baseball outside of Yawkey Way. That’s not true, as I am a fan of all baseball, particularly the Marlins. (I’ve got three of them on my fantasy team, what can I say?) The point is, I don’t want to see this great rivalry, the most heated in any sport since Ali-Frazier, or for that matter, Tonya-Nancy, be castrated in favor of some “Boy Meets World” life lesson.

I just don’t buy it. And neither will the thousands of fans at Yankee Stadium next week watching their team inexplicably embrace their bitter rivals.

Fortunately, this might not even be an issue. Rule 3.09 of the official Major League Baseball rule book forbids players from fraternizing prior to the game, and, yes a handshake constitutes “fraternizing.” Well, that settles it, and I hope it puts an end to this ludicrous controversy. Now, if only baseball can figure out that little steroids thing.

– Justin Rebello can be reached at [email protected].