By Justin Rebello
I can’t begin to express how much I hate writing columns like this.
The end of the year column is usually a time for the columnist to try and make some glorious statement to call it quits, punctuating his or her white space with all their accolades from the previous year. Well, I’ll be brief with my accomplishments. 1. I turned 21. 2. I won the Super Bowl on the All-Madden level in Madden 2005. That’s been about it. Besides, as Mark McGwire said, “We’re not here to talk about the past.” So I’ve decided to peer into the future and outline my goals for 2005-06:
* To become the new hockey coach. Seriously. I’m still in the market for a co-op job. Besides there is at least a 60 percent chance I’ll be more successful than Bruce Crowder. Not only that, but wouldn’t that be the greatest publicity stunt ever? A student coaching the hockey team? ESPN would turn that into a reality show in half a minute. And just in case you’re wondering, I’m highly qualified. I’ve devoured “Miracle” and the “Mighty Ducks” trilogy more times than any rational person should. I also went 82-0 with the Bruins in NHL ’94, with a 140-goal season from Cam Neely. By the way, if you think that accomplishment doesn’t score me boatloads of women, you’re absolutely right.
* To speak at the 2006 graduation. My family will be there, so at least 10 people will actually know who I am. Seriously, who is Leon Panetta? I’m not joking. If we’re going with big-name Leons, how about the Leon from the Budweiser commercials? My idea for commencement speaker? Shawn Fanning, of Napster fame. Think about it. Self-made millionaire. Northeastern alum. He put Metallica in its place as a bunch of geriatric has-beens who haven’t released a good album since 1991. You’re telling me he wouldn’t be more interesting than Lou Pinella, or whatever the hell his name is?
* To make Our House more popular than Conor Larkins. And people wonder why Northeastern doesn’t get the same props as BC or BU as a first-tier school. Let’s start with our bar choices. Conor Larkins is a hole. Yes, the beer is cheap. But, how about the fact that shots are served in Dixie cups? Have you seen the bathrooms? Has anyone cool ever been playing pool? Have you noticed the music is utterly atrocious? Or that the battle scenes in “Braveheart” were more organized than Trivia Night? Or that a majority of the clientele are under-aged girls who dress like they just fell off the Ashlee Simpson tour bus? Go to a real bar.
* To make peace with the Student Government Association. I’ve spent a lot of time ragging on them in this space, but that was unfair. They really are hardworking, and it’s not their fault this school is the financial equivalent of Boggs in the “Shawshank Redemption.” With that said, I mean, a loan tree? That’s all you could give the students after failing to keep tuition at a minimal increase? A tree? Rhetoric and metaphor don’t pay the bills, guys.
* To declare war on all those Red Sox impostor fans. In particular, something needs to be done about these New York transplants who claim: “Well, I used to be a Yankees fan, but since I came to Boston, I fell in love with the Sox. Woohoo! Cowboy Up! Go Johnny!” That’s really getting old. I’m sorry you grew up in New York and were forced to watch Satan’s Bitches win four titles in the 1990s, but you can’t all of a sudden hop over to our side.
* To perform at Springfest. I’m not going to rag on CUP, as they made a concerted effort to put a decent show together, going after such acts as Green Day and the Killers. CUP can’t be blamed for the entire music industry wondering whether they are actually going to play if booked or if the audience will be punished for a Super Bowl celebration. With that said, talk about your all-time goofy lineups. A rapper who later became a Celtic rock band, a ska group and a bald techno artist best known for having his sexuality questioned by a skinny white guy from Detroit? What’s on the plate next year? A polka band, a fat lady with a triangle and Tears for Fears? One question though: What was with all the anger at Mos Def dropping out? Of course music is subjective, but how can you sit there and tell me Dropkick Murphys wasn’t an upgrade?
When I hear Mos Def, I think of “The Italian Job” and Rondell selecting Eminem in the Racial Draft. Speaking of Eminem, he pretty much made my decision on whether or not I’d actually go to Springfest. Nobody listens to techno. Exactly.
* To overpay for tuition. Actually, that’s already been taken care of. Let’s just move on.
Until next year …
– Justin Rebello can be reached at [email protected].
