“Well, did she go down on you?” I whispered into the cell phone from my beach blanket Saturday.

“No, but she gave me a handjob,” the voice on the on other end replied.

“Do I have to call her?” he continued.

“Dude,” I began, “it’s just a handjob.”

Does anyone even still give handjobs? I thought we grew out of them along with braces and curfews, but apparently, the handjob continues to live on.

It is rapidly becoming one of those discussions that splits people into two camps: those who believe it’s obsolete, we’ll call them the “progressives,” and those who feel it’s an important step on the road to satisfaction, let’s call them “the jerks.”

There was a time, when we were about 13 years old, when the handjob was an integral step in our sexual development. Most of us had the uncomfortable moment in a friend’s basement where hormones were raging, and in the end, all that remained was a sticky stain on the guy’s Billabong t-shirt. Boys had a story for the following Monday morning in homeroom and girls were left reaching for the Kleenex.

This is a fine system. It gives these rowdy youngsters a safer alternative to get to know each other’s bodies. However, as time goes on, we are introduced to the wonderful world of blowjobs and from then on in, ladies and gentlemen, we’re playing a whole different ball game.

It is here where the great divide happens. Some of us “graduate” from handjobs and never look back, but for “the jerks,” the handjob lingers and becomes the goodnight kiss of the new millennium.

“The jerks” argue that giving a handjob is a nice way to avoid oral sex, it’s safer and, in the end, leaves both parties guilt-free. After all, our former President Bill Clinton affirmed for us that not even oral sex counts as sex. Many people say it’s even an important step in “getting to know” their partners intimately.

On the opposing side, the “progressives” feel the handjob has a few key pitfalls. For starters, and most guys can attest to this, no one can ever give a handjob as well as the receiver can give himself. If you decide to embark on this task, be prepared for a lot of “Do it hard and fast,” and then, “Not like that, not like that. It hurts.”

Sometimes it’s even hard to makeout simultaneously because the handjob can be very mentally and physically exhausting. It’s a process, like pulling taffy.

Secondly, for those doing the job, there’s very little satisfaction attained. To be frank, it’s boring. I personally can say that I have actually fallen asleep giving a handjob.

Lastly on the “progressives'” platform, the notion of taking established steps toward the ultimate goal of intercourse is just as pass