I went to the local “Bed, Bath, and Beyond” the other day. I didn’t really care about the Bed or the Bath, but, man, did I ever want to see that Beyond. Turns out it was just a Starbucks.

I had a dream the other day. Starbucks was there, as well (and, of course, Denise Richards, but that’s besides the point).

When I woke up from that dream, I found that I was dead and that I was in hell. You better believe that Starbucks was there.

Okay, so that last one didn’t necessarily happen, but that does not detract from the fact that Starbucks coffeehouses are everywhere. In fact, I would venture to say that, in a few dozen years, The Starbucks Corporation will own so much land that the planet will have to be named after it.

To add to that, there are few things that make me feel searing anger like the presence of a Starbucks. If I’m ever going to put my fist through a wall or a gloriously expensive painting, it’s most probably going to be in the presence of a Starbucks. Sure, you shake your head at my misdirected rage, but you’ve got to understand the emotions that this establishment brings forth in me. I hate Starbucks. Passionately.

They’re everywhere, and they represent everything that’s wrong with the world. They’re a smarmy capitalization on the drinking habits of the pretentious. I’m mean, sure, there are more evil institutions around, like the Klu Klux Klan or the Cuban government or Martha Stewart Living, but they’re not on every street corner in the world putting small “mom and pop” coffee houses out of business. At least I don’t think. I have heard that Castro makes a delicious mochachino…

This is not about a dictator’s ability to please the world’s taste buds, however. Rather, it’s about the degradation of the human spirit. That’s right; I said human spirit. This issue is not just “who burns a better bean and for how much,” it’s not just “big is bad and small is good.” It’s also whether you’re a number or a person, whether you’re there to make someone’s stock go up, whether you’re there to be used or there to be a part of your community.

I’ve been going to small coffee houses all my life. I spent the better part of last year in a barely-there coffeehouse named “True Brew.” I value the time I spent in these places, time I spent conversing with friends, listening to local poetry, enjoying local musical artists. Whenever I see the countenance of that dreaded emerald mermaid, I feel those places – the ones that I enjoyed so much – threatened.

Now, I’ve heard people say to me, “Oh, you’re in college. You’re supposed to hate Starbucks because that’s what college people do.” Those people, respectfully, are morons, ignorant of the consequences these establishments bring with them. If they want a sterile, impersonal purveyor of machine leakings, they can have it. I, however, refuse to be served coffee by a stranger, and I suggest that you do too. Defend your soul, America! Don’t let the greed of corporate suits wipe out one of the greatest outlets for the human condition, the coffeehouses! Don’t let the Seattle suits excrete down your throat for the purposes of your pocket’s contents! Instead, support you local coffeehouses. Concern yourself not with whether your drink is small or grande. Champion the human spirit, and make the Starbucks name as non-existent as the mermaid its logo bears.

— Bradley Rosenberg is a freshman journalism major.