By Veronica Schiebold

Kyle Nicholson sits on the couch that may have once been white but is now shades of gray and brown. All the furniture is used – not even second-hand, probably closer to fourth. There’s a weird smell coming from the mattress in the kitchen. That’s right, a mattress in the kitchen, just leaning up against the wall. However, Nicholson, a senior pharmacy major, didn’t seem to mind his Mission Hill apartment where he once lived. He didn’t always live in an apartment where posters cover up the holes in the walls. Last summer, Nicholson was living with his then-girlfriend. The two lived in a clean one- bedroom apartment, with new furniture that had no visible stains and a big screen television. But the nest they built together did not last long. Before moving in with his then-girlfriend, Nicholson had made plans to complete his fall co-op in San Diego. At the end of August 2007, Nicholson left San Diego with plans to return to the apartment the couple once shared before his co-op ended and the new spring semester of 2008 started. But his plans went astray after the relationship crumbled. Anyone who has looked for apartments in Boston knows that they are hard to come by in January. Fortunately, Nicholson was able to sublet a room at least temporarily. Nicholson is one of many Northeastern students who once lived with an ex. Although issues that are attributed to young people living together can plague couples of any age, they are related to experience and motives. Young, college-age people tend to have less experience in relationships. Forget those horror stories about relationships ending because someone left the toilet seat up. James Tobin, a therapist who specializes in relationship issues in Boston, said the issue is the reasoning behind peoples decisions to live with their boyfriends or girlfriends. “I don’t think about it in terms of age. People at any age can move in together for the wrong reason,” he said. Some students said living together is often more about convenience, something that can be even more of an issue among college students. “I was living at home for a semester and a sublet had fallen through. It was more of a favor than a conscious decision,” Nicholson said. Situations such as this are not uncommon, and that may be where the problem lies.

From the beginning It is important that people discuss their reasons for wanting to live together Tobin said. This is not specific to college students. Couples at every age can ignore this critical factor, he said. “There is no agreement of how it’s gonna work, it’s sometimes just convenient, he said. Not paying two rents is why a lot of people live together and there hasn’t been enough agreement about what it means for the relationship. This runs across all age groups.” College students in particular tend to have unsteady lives and living arrangements, complicating the relationship. Northeastern students must face the additional problem of co-ops and an unusual tri-meser system When these situations arise, some students decide to live with their significant other simply because that is the easiest option. This was the case with Ashley Standfield, a senior political science and international affairs major. During summer sessions one and two of 2005, Standfield lived with her then-boyfriend. “I was a freshman and he was an upperclassman, and if I didn’t take summer classes, we would have been apart for four months,” Standfield said. After deciding to stay in Boston during the summer, Standfield determined it would be best to move in with her then-boyfriend because it was cheaper than living on her own. “We lived in a two-bedroom apartment and I lived with him in his room, and his roommate lived in the other,” she said. “This was not exactly a dream living arrangement, but it was temporary.” Despite signing a lease with her then-boyfriend, Standfield said, “I would have moved out anyway. The relationship didn’t seem all that strong, so in case something happened, we wanted to have our own space.” Jess Gitlitz, a 2007 Northeastern graduate also moved in with her boyfriend because it was easier on her budget. “It was only because my roommate wasn’t coming back and the same thing happened to [my boyfriend]. Economically it made sense,” said Gitlitz.

First timers Problems and issues arise when couples, particularly first-timers live together. Students said they tend to lose a sense of privacy when they lived with a significant other, because they have to do everything with their partner only a few feet away. This is compounded by the fact that many college students have limited monetary resources, so they generally can’t afford to live in large apartments. Living with your significant other can sometimes lead to awkward situation. “Like the first time he farted in front of me, cause he had no place to go. He was so prim and proper all the time, and I asked him, did you just fart? And finally he admitted it,” Standfield said. When couples live together it is also a learning experience. Often, they discover differences, which may lead to confrontation. People who have never lived with a partner may not expect this. Stuart Simon, a clinical social worker and therapist in Boston, said the old adage is right: opposites do attract. “When we fall in love, we tend to fall in love with people who are different than we are. And if you listen to love songs, they’re all written in the first six months. And what they’re describing is that the person has qualities that are different than mine,” Simon said. “While these are where phrases like ‘you complete me’ and ‘I’m nothing without you’ come from,” Simon said. “After a while … things that complete us simply turn into differences.” While all couples go through a process of getting to know eachother, couples who don’t live together can take their time with the process, but this isn’t the case for two people under one roof. Instead, Simon said, “when people move in together, very quickly they have to confront someone who does things differently.” Differences can arise out easily. For example, one person may go to bed early, while the other prefers to stay up late. “When you’re young, you don’t expect it. So when young people think, ‘I must have picked the wrong person,’ it’s a hard thing,” Simon said. Experience in relationships is key, he said. And younger people tend to have less experience, simply because they have not had as many romantic partners. “Living together at a young age can be challenging because the first thing is just sort of sharing an environment with a romantic partner, and that’s the first time it’s being done,” Tobin said.

Friendly encouragement However, some students said living with a partner is not an entirely negative experience, despite its sometimes bad wrap. “The positive things are kind of the obvious ones, like you don’t need to make dates,” Simon said. This very thing was one of Gitlitz’s favorite parts of living with her boyfriend. “We didn’t go out sometimes, we didn’t need to, we had each other,” she said. In addition, Simon said creating a home with a loved one can be quite comforting. “There’s something quite human and lovely about building a nest together. It’s a very human endeavor,” he said. People need and crave support systems, Simon said. This may be especially true of college students who are away from home or have a very hectic life. And living with a partner can create that sense of support and feeling of ‘home.’ “There’s something about that that’s comforting. ‘It’s our place.’ We like being on teams and having support,” Simon said. Nicholson said he found a sense of comfort when living with his former girlfriend. “It was nice to have a place to ourselves,” he said adding that he got to come home to a loved one everyday, something that some college students don’t get to experience. “I lived in Roxbury, and it was great having a guy around, I felt safer,” Gitlitz said. Some students said they find their partners support and encourage them in their studies. “When it came to school and stuff it was definitely really good. We made our class schedule really similar; we motivated each other,” Gitlitz said. Her then-boyfriend was able to help her with school in other ways too. “He was older and he knew his way around. He kind of coached me on everything. He had already been through everything, so he knew how the school worked,” Gitlitz said. Standfield said she also experienced encouragement from her former boyfriend while they lived together. “I had set a couple of summer goals to get good grades and lose weight. And having him around, he was like my life coach,” Standfield said. “I got straight As and lost like 15 pounds.” While Nicholson was living with his former girlfriend, he said he spent more time on his schoolwork. “I had more time to devote to school because we could be together and do work at the same time instead of rushing to be together and putting my work aside,” he said.

A step forward Many Northeastern students have experimented living with their partners, and the university itself may soon offer co-ed housing. Currently, the university does not offer the option for women to live in the same rooms or suites as men. “We currently offer gender-neutral housing to transgender students but not all students at this point,” said Stephanie Cave, associate director of housing services at Northeastern. “We are considering gender-neutral housing, but we have a lot of planning to do in order to pilot a full program,” Cave said. “We have a housing task force that will examine this issue in the upcoming year.” The idea of gender-neutral housing was proposed by the Student Government Association (SGA) and spear-headed by Chris Bourne, former vice president for student services. Cave said student interest started the momentum that has gotten the university to progress. “There is student interest in gender-neutral housing,” Cave said. “Last year SGA and Resident Student Association (RSA) submitted a proposal to the administration, which opened up a dialogue about the issue.” The only thing delaying co-ed housing from becoming university-wide is a concern for safety, Bourne said last April. “They want to make sure any conflicts that arise will be taken care of,” he said. Regardless of the issues that may arise, Bourne said he is confident that co-ed housing will be an option for students in the near future. “It’s not so much an issue of is it happening, but how it’s going to happen without any problems,” Bourne said.