Northeastern has a personality very unique unto itself, and I’m not just talking about co-op or the fact that we have a Dunkin’ Donuts in one of our academic buildings. I’m talking about an identity crisis bordering on psychosis. It’s probably closer to schizophrenia. As a public service for freshmen (insert hazing phrase here), excited for education, hailing our programs (did you know we were number one in co-op last year?) and not quite yet cynical, I present the personalities of Northeastern in the characters you might remember from high school.
The “I’ll do anything to be cool” Girl — There is a certain crowd we’re trying to get into. You may have heard of it, rhymes with “Top 100 Knowledges.” I don’t dare speak it myself. But we try, Lord we try. We put on the make up. See: 1,234,543,098 bricks used for sidewalks and the self-sustaining rain forest in the Krenztman Quad. We, gulp, stuff our bras; look at our recently-erected bosomy buildings. Oh, don’t worry, we shower regularly; note the use of lawn sprinklers during rain storms. But we’re clever, we acknowledge, we care about cool, we don’t laugh it off. Do you want to know what the U.S. News and World Report said? A recently published article in that magazine had some not so encouraging quips about the race for high rankings. Reporter Carolyn Kleiner said, “At the same time that university presidents complain about the hubris of trying to quantify the value of higher education, they proceed to tout high rankings on their Web sites, in glossy brochures, and on 10-foot-tall banners displayed proudly in the quad.” Strike one. UMass-Amherst Chancellor John Lombardi said in the story he likens universities grappling for rank to cutthroat college sports. Strike two, we’re not athletic enough to keep up with those Ivy League studs. Lastly, Daniel Levin, Vice President for Publications at the Association of Governing Boards of Universities and Colleges, said “I think students take this list much less seriously than school officials.” Strike three, ain’t that a kick in the balls. File that quote under “irony.” The point here is maybe we shouldn’t try so hard to impress people who aren’t that interested in us. The “Top 100” rankings are based on lifeless statistics and scores. The story’s author says when it comes to getting into college, “unique personal qualities be damned” no matter how loudly they claim to be looking at the “whole person.” Zing!
The Dork — We’re like Screech Powers. Bumbling and stumbling, we leave most people mumbling about our weirdness and random bouts with stupidity. I’m not going to name names yet, but we happen to be notorious for a certain little jitterbug called, “The NU Shuffle.” Why do we do it? Why dance like jerky gyrator Elaine Benes in front of people? Who knows? You’ll be amazed at our sorry communication skills. Certain departments have seemingly refused to communicate with each other; I’ll use an expletive deleted for the unavailable explanation. (For example, why do I have to pack a canteen, three days rations and a safari hat just to put money on my Husky Card without being assessed an unwarranted late charge on my bill?) Unfortunately, we don’t get it. We carry on hoping we can be like Zack Morris (BU) and trying to figure out why we can’t get a date with Lisa Turtle (Simmons).
The Late Bloomer — Always fear the quiet one. What more can you say about a place little more than 100 years old that was born out of the need for post-high school education for men who couldn’t either afford or get into BU. We are in the pubescent phase of our growth and just coming out of our awkward stage (have you seen the old logos?) A fine poet once said, “I’m not a girl and not yet a woman.” Not a woman, indeed. We are centered on practicality and professional practice. Ask the most successful people at what they do, and they’ll tell you those two things are paramount to succeeding. So fear not, sheep! One day, maybe when you’re moving your kid into Northeastern, wondering how an institution can charge $100,000-a-year for tuition, you’ll see the hallowed halls on Huntington Avenue and finally see it fully blossomed, and having met its potential.
-Zach Hosseini can be reached at [email protected]
