I had my first sip of it when I was about 8 years old. My father got me hooked. Ever since, I’ve been enslaved by it. I’ve been exposed to the brutality of the world … the world of fantasy sports. That’s right, the games men (also: people with no life) play pretending to own players and run fake teams in football, baseball, basketball hockey, rugby, water polo (you name it, it’s out there) for the glory of all humanity … or at least so you can make that guy in accounting feel like a boob for trading Drew Brees for Jamal Lewis (an actual trade in one of my leagues. Awful). And with both of my football teams sitting comfortably in the cellar at 0-2 (has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it), and my baseball team getting thrashed in the championship series, what better time to discuss my fantasy fantasies? Oh yeah, and hockey is right around the corner. By now, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this (to be honest, I’m kind of wondering that myself). Since I’m an experienced and traveled member of the fantasy community (yes, I realize how lame it is that I referred to it as a “community”), I thought I’d bestow upon The News’ faithful the top three things I’ve learned through fantasy sports. Number one: Arguing with strangers is fun. There is no medium on earth that lets perfect strangers argue or make fun of each other about anything more meaningless than fantasy sports. Seriously. You join some random league from people that come from all corners of the earth, and without knowing a thing about them the words flow from your mouth: “Vinny Testeverde is a stupid jerk washed up hack who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat, let alone the shoddy receivers the Jets throw out there you worthless sucking scum bucket.” Or something along those lines. What’s better yet, you feel great about calling someone you’ve never met a “fat drooling slob.” It just sounds so good. Number two: Can’t-miss prospects almost always miss. For hockey fans, all I have to do is say two words to invoke instant laughter: Alexandre Daigle. The former number one overall draft pick has a career high of (are you ready for this) 51 points … and an alarming career plus-minus total of negative 166. Once a sure thing to get his face bronzed in Toronto’s NHL Hall of Fame, he turned out to be a dud. Not familiar with hockey? Let’s try football and a guy I like to call Ryan Leaf. (Insert more laughter here). If Daigle is good for a few yucks, then the former San Diego Chargers quarterback could stand as an entire act. But even moving away from those high profile cases, “sleeper” picks almost never pan out. For instance, this year I was sure that Philadelphia running back Correll Buckhalter would not only push Duce Staley for carries, but he would win the job. I was so sure of this that I drafted him as my number two running back in one league and traded a guy in another league Tommy Maddox in for him and Atlanta’s Doug Johnson. Let’s just say that we’re two weeks into the NFL season, and I really hate the guy. Actually, that’s not true. I hate Andy Reid. My so-called sleeper pick has only touched the ball twice (three if you count the time he accidentally knocked the ball out of Donovan McNabb’s hand on Sunday). So, the moral of the story is grab what you can get when you know what you’re getting. Don’t take a relative unknown like Ravens rookie Kyle Boller in a football draft with proven, steady vets like Trent Green or Mark Brunell still on the board. Number three: No matter what your friends are like outside of the league, they’ll fall into a set group of categories when in the confines of the fantasy world. This is my favorite part. The first, and most annoying guy you’ll come across is the one who every year (without fail) brags the second the draft ends about how he has the best team in the world. Every year. No matter what. He can be starting Maury Povich and Cher at running back, but you can’t reason with this dude. Then, much to their own shock, they finish dead last in every league, every time. Then, there’s the know-it-all who knows next to nothing. Guy can’t tell Marshall Faulk from William Faulkner, but he’s going to make sure everyone knows that he’s the most knowledgeable fantasy owner in all the land. Again, guy number two is absolutely blown away when his team finishes with a winning percentage of .0000234. And finally, there’s the ever too sensitive fantasy player who cannot handle the scrutiny of the public eye. They’ll drop NFL record holder in receptions Marvin Harrison to pick up Reche Caldwell, but when someone mentions it might not be the most Einstein-like fantasy maneuver, they freak out. Now, how do you handle all these pesky people? Easy. Check out “number one,” above. – Jack Weiland may be reached at [email protected]