By Stephen Sears
Britney Spears is married. Then she is not. We have a machine rolling around on the rust-colored dirt of Mars. The weather is inhumane. The Patriots are in the playoffs. And we are only 14 days into 2004. What else can happen? Well, a lot.
Here are a few things to look forward to, or to dread, in the next 351 days.
* Our society as we know it will collapse unto itself when our leaders on Beacon Hill obey the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage. When I first see the locusts start filling the air and all our first born dying off, that is when I know that Joe and Ron have tied the knot.
* 400,670,000. That’s the over/under on how many “Britney married Costanza” jokes we will hear throughout the year. If you find yourself tempted to do likewise, stop yourself. By the way, would they both celebrate Festivus?
* Britney is married for all of a few hours. Divorce is more of an American pastime than apple pie. But a gay couple getting married ruins the sanctity of the institution?
* A-Rodgate. It’s dead. It’s alive. It’s — ah, I give up.
* A-Rodgate will resurface throughout the year, especially when Texas visits Fenway or the Sox go to Arlington. A-Rod is still reportedly looking to get it done. Maybe we will see him wearing the Babe’s number for the Old Towne Team this year after all. If not, I cannot wait to buy my Rey Ordonez jersey. He’d look good in the ninth spot batting .210.
* “For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.” The hilarity could be resurrected when “Family Guy” returns with brand new episodes, either in December or the beginning of 2005. Several weeks ago I wrote a column bemoaning the cancellation of “Family Guy” and only a week later, USA Today reports of its return. Coincidence?
* Yeah.
* It is like clockwork. Like the sun rising in the east and a guest star on “Will and Grace.” You can always count on it: the annual Northeastern tuition increase! A fun time is had by all, especially the higher-ups. Remember, the class of 2003 saw their tuition rise 30% since their freshman year.
* Also look out for the “We’re raising tuition but we are also increasing financial aid” spin. They are increasing tuition for a reason. They want more money. So someone is going to end up paying for it.
* Speaking of clockwork, I hope 2004 is better to our trusted tellers of time. NU has a clear and despicable anti-clock bias. Not many classrooms have one, and if they do, it never works. For our school to rise to the top 100, our classrooms must have clocks.
* Don’t look now, but our hockey team is steadily improving and may have a chance at doing well in the Beanpot, scheduled for early February. Too bad state law prohibits any team but the Boston University Terriers from winning the darn thing.
* The FleetCenter will be buzzing when those slimy Democrats come to town to coronate their candidate. Look for many sports references as the politicians shamelessly pander to the crowd. Maybe one of the candidates can pull a Ted Kennedy and congratulate the efforts of Carl Schilling and Keith Folgers for putting the Sox in first place.
* Do not believe the inevitable reports in the Boston Herald that are sure to come out at about that time, such as “Democrats found killing cute puppies in Harvard Square” or “Howard Dean spotted urinating on Plymouth Rock.”
* 2000 + 4 = 2004. It is an election year! Unbelievable. So far it looks like “un-electable Yankee” Howard Dean will face off against “President” George W. Bush. I hope the Democrats stop focusing on the deficit, which is huge and will only get bigger, because the people really don’t care. Instead, they should pound on jobs, or the lack of new ones being created. That could resonate with the voters.
* As for the current occupier of the White House, his strategy for reelection is simple. Get more votes than the other guy this time.
* No more Matrixes? No more Lord of the Rings? Good. Although they were fun to see, they have run their course. It is about time Hollywood starts producing original films, like Spiderman 2, Rocky VI, or Police Academy 35.
* Last, but not least, the most important event of 2004, as I can tell now, will occur in May. That’s right, the end of “Friends.” I have seen several episodes of this show, and while it was funny at times, I could never understand why it was so big. Either way, as long as Ross Gellar is gone, I am happy. He can take Rachel and Marcel with him. When that day comes, you should remember this prediction made by Mr. T on Conan’s “The Year 2000” skit: “Millions of people will be shocked, when on the series finale of “Friends,” it is revealed that New York has black people.”
— Stephen Sears can be reached at [email protected].
