So, we’ve got $75 million to spend, eh? That’s nice coin for some new professors. That money is supposed to be for 100 new professors over the next five years. You’re never going to get the high priced talent that’s in demand nowadays with so little to spread around to so many. I say we throw around the big bucks, make a splash in the, er, free agent market. What’s that you say? You want me to help? OK, sounds good to me.
How on earth could a journalism major manage millions of dollars which are earmarked for bringing Northeastern into the upper echelon of universities? Madden 2004, that’s how. You see, I have a lot of experience running a team on Madden, a.k.a. the most popular football video game. I’ve made the tough personnel moves. I cut the veterans when I needed to go in a different direction. I sacrificed “now” talent for future gains with draft picks and younger players. Most of all, I was fiscally responsible throughout, never losing money and always maximizing my bang for the buck. So as you can see, I’m more than qualified to manage that $75 million and here’s how I’m gonna do it:
Janet Jackson: She’ll be the first big name I’ll go out and get. I’ll offer say, $1 million a year for 6 years. She could teach “Rhythm Nation,” a class about solving international conflict through interpretive dance. Trust me, she needs the money now that she’s been black-boobed by the industry.
Don Brown: Yeah, I know the former Husky coach just bolted for his former employer, UMass. But I’m sure all film students could learn from his introspective documentary “How to Lose Respect in 10 Days.” We’ll give him 5 years at 500K.
George Steinbrenner: Say all you want about him, but he sure knows how to spread the torment. It will be very difficult to coax him away from the Yankees, but the thought of teaching “Hitler: A Hero’s Tale” and pinch hitting sometimes for criminal justice for “How to Become a Convicted Felon and Succeed” will convince him to become part-time faculty. I think he’ll sign on the dotted line for $1.5 million for 4 years, or until he needs an upgrade for A-Rod.
Cedric the Entertainer: When I went to a taping of his short-lived variety show in Los Angeles, I knew this university needed an educator like Ced. Then, his two masterful performances in Barbershop and Barbershop 2 were killer. This guy’s stock is on the rise. And besides, who wouldn’t want to take a linguistics/African-American course where you can learn about families of former slaves deserving “respirations.” Mark him down for 12 cases of Bud Light per year.
Howard Dean: Soon, reality will set in and the former front-runner will realize it’s all over. He is a doctor, so he’s qualified for a job here, putting him well ahead of some of the current staff. Harvard got former Minnesota Governor Jesse “The Mind” Ventura, so why can’t we get Howard “The Crazy MF’er” Dean? Pay him in Canadian-bought valium and we should be set.
John Grisham: He’s probably a one class-only-type. He’d be great for the journalism class “It Ain’t Plagiarism If It’s Your Own Work.” We can put him up in West Village for as long as he wants so he can keep writing books about southern lawyers.
Howard Zinn: I know he belongs to BU, but I have an idea. The dude is down with revisionist history, right? You know, plight of the small guy who has been passed over by the mainstream history books. Well, what university has been crapped on more than us lately? Nobody. We get to take the fall for the Boston Police Department walking the wrong way down Hemenway Street to curb our enthusiasm when the Patriots won the Super Bowl. That’s not fair. Howie, come take care of this for a book deal and monthly T-passes so that you can get back to Commonwealth Ave. whenever you want.
The Darkness: Have you seen these guys? Running around in spandex and long hair doing their best Spinal Tap/Queen impression. Too bad we lost the Forsyth School of Dentistry or part of the package I’d lure them here with is some much-needed dental work. They would be a great addition to the music program, which I have heard is keen on playing the most boring blues and jazz for their ensemble practices. Crotch grabbing and groupie shagging are musts for any student who has come to Northeastern looking for a “real world” education. Like all good British rockers, they enjoy their cigarettes and alcohol and cocaine. Cigarettes, check. Alcohol, check. Cocaine? I’m sure it won’t be that hard to find a drug dealer on campus.
— Zach Hosseini can be reached at [email protected].
