By Matthew Foster
The excitement of new and returning students on campus is also accompanied by an even greater feeling: the joy of receiving free stuff.
Every fall, student groups give out free items such as stickers, bags and ice cream to students with hopes that handouts will garner new members. These little treats are usually reserved for the young mind of a freshman, a mind which equates a good experience with frisbees and a bouncy ball.
Posing as a freshman, I perused each group during Welcome Week, sampling every trinket to determine who made me scream “Gimme!” the loudest.
Sunday was the second day of freshman move-in, and I had to be sharp to succeed. After finding my old red lanyard in my closet, I began my search in Krentzman Quad.
The ladies of Xcel were the first to grab my attention, offering free ice cream and water, plus a toy basket any 4-year-old would die for. My stomach was writhing in pain after eating multiple ice cream sandwiches, and while playing with the Yo-Yo they gave me, I heard terrible news: Xcel is a club to promote women in leadership, and sadly I cannot join.
Having nothing to lose, I decided the toys in that basket were mine. I ran off with a plastic slinky bearing a happy face, a bouncy ball, the plastic Yo-Yo, a happy face keychain and a plastic pocket maze to play with. I left Krentzman quad happier and filled with more sugar than my “bug juice”-drinking days of summer camp.
My next challenge was the welcome barbecue on Monday. I came into this event with high hopes; I was sure multiple student groups would accompany the free food. I was in Centennial Commons around noon, and unfortunately the place was dead. Few freshmen were to be found, and the only group there was the Army ROTC. After devouring two hot dogs, a cheeseburger and a refreshing can of lemonade, I decided to stop waiting and talk to the proud men of our armed services.
The men of ROTC may have been lacking in friendliness, but their pitch was extraordinary. Leadership, responsibility and teamwork are their niche. I was quickly on the receiving end of a stainless steel thermos (perhaps for hot chocolate during winter?) and a program book with descriptions of ROTC classes.
No ice cream or Yo-Yo, but they offered interesting courses in weapons and army tactics.
I left the Army table still in the zone; I was like a happy, confused freshman and loving it. I stopped by the Welcome Week information booth and grabbed a book bag and a beach ball, then I found a Frisbee from Comcast. The barbecue was fun, but few student groups were present, leading to my exit and consequent nap until 6 p.m. when I woke up to the vibrant sounds coming from the Stetson quad.
This is where it was all going down. Student Government Association (SGA), Resident Student Association (RSA), and multiple sororities and fraternities were all out in full force.
My first stop was SGA, where I met President Ashley Adams. Their pitch was awesome, describing themselves as the “main advocacy group for student affairs.” They seemed like the saviors of the student body; fixing problems before they started and serving as a stepping-stone for future success. I grabbed a pen, marker and marker board and ran away giggling to the RSA table to the right of SGA.
I’ve been here for a few years and I didn’t fully understand what RSA does, but I found out. Simply put, they put roofs over our heads, and for that they deserve more kudos.
A sign of their coolness was a table filled with condoms; unfortunately they said they couldn’t hand them to me, but I was free to grab them myself.
My attention soon turned to the large crowd forming around the WRBB and Council for University Programs tables (CUP).
These were the money groups; WRBB was very approachable and they threw a sea of tote bags and stickers at me.
CUP gave me a hearty supply of balls and plastic cups.
They are great groups, working in entertainment and music to ensure a good time for all students.
I quickly signed up for the sports department of WRBB, when suddenly my cover was blown.
I was called out – my days pretending to be a freshman were over.
My roommate is the director of hip-hop at WRBB, and he knew what was going on. Biting my lip, I put my head down and left the freshman quad.
Although I was found out by WRBB, I decided to continue my search for the best free goods on campus. But the life of a freshman is hard for an old man like myself; I simply couldn’t keep up the charade any longer that night. Besides, I couldn’t be fatigued for the big night ahead: Tuesday’s Night at the Student Center.
The night was just getting started when I arrived, and soon I discovered the real booty was tucked away on the corner of the third floor.
The AGAPE Christian Fellowship had taken it to the next level — giving away pet fish to prospective members. I became infatuated with my new friends, so much so I was unaware of the many pitches coming at me. This infatuation was short-lived, like the fish.
Sadly, aside from the standard t-shirt and thermos fare, the student center had little in free loot to offer. The night seemed to be more about fun and entertainment.
With most of the campus’s major student groups exhausted in my search, I decided to throw in the towel. My days as a second-time freshman are done, but I did come out a few condoms and beach balls richer.
