As you’ll no doubt read on the front page – unless you skip directly to my column, in which case a) thank you and b) what’s wrong with you – the Student Government Association (SGA) extended voting for the new president through tomorrow, Friday, in hopes that they can reach the 20 percent voting minimum. As of press time, they had reached 3222 votes.

The choice is between current executive vice president Sean Maloney and current vice president for academic affairs Michael Sabo. Normally, in my writing style, I would make fun of each candidate with something stupid on their website. However, one candidate has so much easy material on his site that I feel it would be unfair to do so unevenly. (Future candidates for office, take note:  Don’t discuss your habit of listening to Christmas music all year round on your official website in an attempt to seem approachable. You just look weird.)

Let’s take a look at their positions on key issues. Maloney wants a representative on the Board of Trustees. So does Sabo. Sabo wants to make the office of the president more approachable and available to students. So does Maloney.

In fact, there isn’t a hell of a lot that separates the two candidates. Both of their platforms could be boiled down to “listen to students more.” On tuition, both want financial aid up and tuition raises down; on dining, both want new, better vendors; on athletics, both want more Husky pride.

Neither directly opposes a proposal by the other. Maloney wants more on-campus housing, while Sabo wants gender-neutral and faculty-in-residence housing expanded. Sabo wants the option to video chat with academic advisors, and Maloney wants more concerns about academic advising addressed. This isn’t to say that Sabo doesn’t want on-campus housing or concerns addressed, nor that Maloney doesn’t want gender-neutral housing or academic advisor video chat. In fact, I’m fairly certain that they’d be in favor of those. Aside from one having a slightly funnier name than the other, the two are essentially interchangeable.

The regrettable thing about SGA is that it’s populated entirely with the type of people who would join SGA. The type of people who think that the solution to laptop thefts in Snell Library is to rent out laptop locks instead of not leaving your laptop alone. The type of people who think that swapping one chain of sandwich shops out for another chain of sandwich shops is a major, noteworthy accomplishment. The type of people who think that the way to get people to vote in their elections isn’t through providing candidates that can bring about change, but by bribing students with Zipcar credits and haircuts.

It honestly doesn’t matter who you vote for; both Sabo and Maloney will do virtually identical things. Let me predict the next year in the president’s office:  He’ll rage against the administration not listening to students, launch platitudes about lowering tuition and increasing aid, and then throw around two or three cheap initiatives that benefit on-campus students in a minor and mildly noticeable way.

Since both candidates are identical, and both candidates won’t actually do anything, the least they could do is be interesting. “No Bologna” Maloney and the multicolored eyesore that is Sabo’s chalking aren’t doing it. If we’re going to have an SGA president who doesn’t do anything, it might as well be one who will be entertaining.

The best option would be to have candidates that take actual stances on matters and could have a chance at instituting change. The next best option would be to vote no confidence and force a new election with better candidates.

Neither of those will happen, because SGA is SGA, and each candidate has a small but sizable-enough base to ensure that someone will receive a plurality. Even if there was a re-vote, SGA would inevitably find a way to re-nominate Sabo and Maloney. Even if by some miracle they didn’t, the two candidates would be SGA senators, who are all essentially Sabo and Maloney.

So sure, go ahead and vote in the ballot. Don’t even look at the names. Cover them up with your thumb and click one of the buttons randomly. The net result will be exactly the same. I promise.

– Michael Denham can be reached at [email protected]