If you haven’t heard by now, “The Da Vinci Code” is the best selling book since the Bible went King James style. The book tells a half fiction-half fact story of the link between some of the most famous people in the history of the modern world. The link, of course, is proved by the unlocking of a code that proved that these important figures were linked by some secret society. Since the only way to get any extra aid around this place is to partake in some scientific research, I submit an initial sampling of the Hosseini Code. (Trumpets blaring).
In my last column I wrote about Ed Klotzbier and Richard Freeland accompanying our baseball team on their trip to face the Red Sox in Florida. I quipped that I didn’t think it was the best time for them to be going, when of course they and the student body were under some serious scrutiny in the wake of the Super Bowl riot fall out and the Springfest fiasco.
However, I was shocked to find out, that if you take the words “Richard Freeland and Ed Klotzbier” and switch them around you get: “Zach, Ed K. and I needed RR for art bill.”
What art bill?? Sadly, this is just another case of the fleecing of your tuition, and I’ll be damned if I let another “art bill” get paid with my hard-earned money. Chalk the uncovering of wasted tuition money for hippy art students to the Hosseini Code!
Now, that little nugget of information may blow your mind, but I have something even better. If you switch the words around again, you’ll get: “Zach die and feel broken. Liar. RR DD T.” The first two parts are self-explanatory. But I’m sure you’re saying, “Zach, you idiot, you couldn’t figure out what to do with ‘RR DD T,’ so you just put it at the end.” Wrong. If you knew anything about anything, you’d know that “RR DD T” is the secret signature of all administration here at Northeastern. It stands for “Rest Relaxation, Death Destruction, Timeless.” So there, take your Hater-ade be gone.
Count it, and the foul.
* Don’t look now, but it seems like we’re going to have a 9,000 person capacity football field on campus. We’re only one donation short of putting the multi-purpose stadium at the Columbus Avenue parking lot and ending the three-day bus rides to Brookline. I’m serious this time. No really, I am. Though there is no concrete ETA for the beginning of construction or completion, all you underclassmen can bet you’ll see an increased fee or two soon, maybe even a mandatory sports fee, but only your posterity will enjoy the facilities.
* Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t feel unsafe on campus, but from now on, I’m carrying a gat and machete just to be sure.
* Next time you’re either stoned, drunk, or bored, go to www.straightdope.com. For those of you who haven’t been there yet, the Web site is a compilation of answers to life’s questions that have been asked by normal folks like you and me. All the answers are researched, witty and for the most part, insightful. Some questions you’ll find in their archives: “Where did Bullwinkle do to college?” “Why do people say ‘Jesus H. Christ?” and “Did Renaldus Columbus discover the clitoris in 1559?”
* An idea that’s been passed around the editorial board: if the university is going to keep raising tuition, why don’t they just name some bricks or something after us so we’ll feel better about it? How about the Hosseini Hillel Staircase? The O’Doyle Marino Center Urinal? Personally, I like the “Duncan Boston Kreme Donut Rack.”
* There’s no truth to the rumor that while looking to replace “Higher Learning. Richer Experience” as our university catch phrase administration was considering “Come for the bureaucracy. Stay for the murders.”
* I will say honestly that I wouldn’t take any of my Jewish friends to see “The Passion of the Christ.” Some people may say they don’t see the damning undertones of film. But, then again, it’s hard to see anything when there’s blood and flesh and blood and flesh hurling towards you from every direction.
* Sorry all you Jesus haters, Universal Studios: Hollywood declined to pick up my idea to make “The Passion of the Christ: The Ride.”
* These four things I know are true: Northeastern athletic teams will consistently underachieve for some reason, living in California is worth the risk, living in Boston isn’t and yes Sox fans, this year is the year.
— Zach Hosseini can be reached at
