By Rebecca Sirull, inside columnist

Go around and ask a few Northeastern students why they decided to come to school here and you are guaranteed to hear one response over and over again: co-op. Whether you’re looking to boost your résumé, get some hands-on experience or just can’t bear the thought of spending another semester sleeping in Snell Library and bullying your group project members into actually doing their work, co-op is the solution. It’s the perfect blend of pretending to be an adult during the week and then using your ample time over the weekend to remember you’re still in college, except now you actually have money to fund your excessive vodka consumption.

However, the road to this life of luxury can be arduous, if not downright depressing. Suddenly you realize two years working at Uno doesn’t fill up very much space on a résumé and there’s only so much you can say about that one summer you interned for your dad’s public relations firm and how it applies to your architecture major. While the process does become easier with time and experience, the first time co-op candidate can face some major challenges – and a crash course in expert-level bullsh***ing. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my first year applying for co-ops, it’s how to spin my résumé and stretch the truth just enough to reach the realm of “relevant experience.” This endeavor can be particularly difficult if the job isn’t even something that I’m actually interested in, but rather somehow ended up on the “apply to” list in a fit of desperation.

While I do genuinely care about most of the jobs I apply for, it’s inevitable that we will all end up applying for at least one job that we just couldn’t care less about, but somehow have to make it sound like we do. This is how I imagine that cover letter would sound, if I were actually honest about how I felt:

May 10, 2015*

To whom it may concern:

My name is Rebecca Sirull and at this point I’m pretty much desperate. I never heard back from any of my top companies and my only offer thus far has been the ambiguous role of “office assistant” at an insurance agency in Newton (unpaid). Now, it’s down to the classic copy, paste, send and pray. Due to my minimal qualifications and mediocre capabilities, I highly expect to be turned down by most of the companies I apply to, but I figure it’s worth a shot. I think a co-op position at *insert company name here* would be both slightly interesting and moderately related to my desired career path. Oh, and my dad’s cousin’s neighbor worked in your human resources department for three months in 1992, so feel free to reach out to him for a recommendation.

My ultimate goal is to find a career that somehow combines my passions of eating Doritos and stalking people from my high school on social media. Ideally, the job would allow me to work from my bed with as little intervention from corporate management as possible. So, as you can see, this position provides me with almost none of the skills or experience necessary to reach that dream. Nevertheless, I feel that by working at your company I would be able to earn some extra money that I could promptly drink/eat/shop away.

Finally, I think I could be a real asset to your company, despite having no experience in that field and grossly over-exaggerating all my positive personal qualities. My friends describe me as highly motivated, a strong team player and exceptionally detail-oriented. Professors and advisors have echoed this sentiment with praise such as, “Yeah, she definitely showed up to almost all of my classes” and “Nearly all of the other students stayed awake during her final presentation.”

In conclusion, I think it’s clear that I have no specific interest in your company nor have I provided any indication that I would be successful in this position. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Rebecca

*You may notice the date of this letter, which is just a cool two months before the start date of this position and a slightly less cool four months after my advisor recommended I begin this process. While she views it as “procrastination” and being “lazy,” I prefer to attribute my delayed application as a sign of my highly refined selection process, which has taken these past several months to perfect. Or maybe it’s because they put “Friends” on Netflix.

Photo courtesy Flazingo Photos, Creative Commons